This episode explores
Book a coaching session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
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Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
---
Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
---
This episode explores
Book a coaching session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
---
Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
---
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
---
Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
---
Hey my friends. So a few weeks ago, I had a pap smear come back abnormal. They said I had LSIL squamous cell lesions on my cervix. So I had to have a colposcopy. Which I had this week. And this is my first time to ever have an abnormal pap and the doctors told me that they only see these lesions or this normality when HPV is present. Basically meaning I have this virus and that is what caused it. And they explained to me that, yes, HPV is an STD in that it is transmitted sexually, but it isn't like gonorrhea or chlamydia in that you can't trace it back to a particular partner. HPV can live dormant in your system for years and only show up later when your immune system is compromised, or you just can't fight it off anymore. So there's no way of knowing how I got it or when I got it. It's never showed up before and it's just decided to show up now. And let me tell you, my friends, my brain has made up all kinds of stories about this, as brains do. Like I'm a total prude. I've only ever been with three people, one of which was my ex husband and one is my current partner. So first of all, my brain is like whining about how unfair this is that I as the major prude that I am have this virus. And even though there is absolutely no way of knowing where it came from, my brain made up a story about where it came from. It picked the one person that I regret being with and decided that Yep, they are the one that gave it to me. If I hadn't been with them, I wouldn't have it. And this story feels like 100% true to me, like logically I know I can't prove it or know for sure, but I feel certain. Like I feel confident enough that I would put money on it. Like I would feel shocked if I was wrong. Right, that's the power that this story has over me. And there's been a lot of blame featured in this story. Blaming me for not getting the HPV vaccine when I was younger. And then of course blaming myself for being with this person that I chose to assign the origin to. And like I was so sold on this story, like I could logically acknowledge that I couldn't know for sure. Even if I track down all three of the people I've been with, men don't get tested for HPV. It doesn't show up in them. They can only spread it. There is like literally no way to test them. And like I said before, it isn't time based so you can't do like trace back or whatever that you can with others. So I can literally never know this information. And our brains hate unknowns. They hate vagueness, they hate nebulousness. So whenever there is uncertainty, our brains are gonna go to work creating a story. Because in creating a story, it allows us to make sense of things. It allows us to make sense of an experience. My brain wanted to make sense of this experience. So it came up with a story that seemed believable to me so that I could have something to latch on to. So I'd have something to anchor into. But the story I came up with was one that was laced with self blame and regret. Self blame and regret don't feel good and they aren't productive. There is no amount of self blame or regret that will change the outcome or change where I'm currently at. The story is not serving me. It has no positive effect on me. If anything it is probably harming me by disrupting my peace that I could use for helping my immune system be stronger to fight this thing. It does me no good to have chosen that story. Why am I telling you all this? Because this phenomenon of our brains needing to create a story to make sense of uncertainty, is something that affects us all. And it definitely affects abuse survivors. How many of you have asked yourself why? Why did he treat me the way that he did? And you've gone searching for a reason and making up a story in your head. But you'll never really know why. Right? You can come up with a reason that can feel real to you-just like I did- but there's no way of knowing for sure if that is the real reason. And honestly, there is no good reason. There is no reason that is going to justify abuse. There just isn't. But it doesn't stop our brains from wanting one. Any situation that we find ourselves in that we find to be ambiguous or uncertain, our brains are going to want to create a story to make sense of it. And the caution I want to give you is just that-- to be aware of your brains need to do that. And to be conscious of when it is a story that you are making up and to make sure that if you do need to make up a story, make it is one that helps you. Because if you'll never know for sure, if you can never find out, you might as well believe whatever will help you the most. For myself in this situation, I have chosen not to make up a story. My brain supplied an initial story, but I've rejected that story and I have avoided making another one. I have decided that it doesn't matter. That I can hold this uncertainty. I have made my peace with the ambiguity and I've chosen to focus instead on what comes next and what will serve me the most moving forward. That's not an easy thing to do. Like I said, my brain felt so certain in its story. It can be hard to recognize when it is a story. But you can know that it's a story whenever you don't have hard solid facts to back it up. And no matter how real or how certain a story can feel, you can still let it go if it's not serving you. So watch out for your stories, my friends, and try to recognize when it is a story versus a fact that you're telling yourself. If you want help teasing that out, you can book a session with me and we will figure that out for sure. The link will be in the show notes. Until next time, my friends be well.