Rest as Resistance

A discussion on our conflation of our self-worth with our productivity.

Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey

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Transcript

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Hey my friends. You know what I have learned in the last couple of weeks? It is that I am terrible at resting. I always thought that I rested. I get at least six hours of sleep at night. I read novels I take breaks. And I thought that meant that I rested right that I could take breaks. And I thought that until I got sick. I got bronchitis mid November and it was like three weeks and I was still struggling with that illness. It just would not fucking quit. I would feel better for like a day, and then I would regress. And then I realized that every time I regressed it was because I tried to do too much. Like I would feel a little bit better. So I would try to be normal and then it would bite me in the ass and the fever would come back and the fatigue. And then I'd be forced to rest again. I had to let my boyfriend do my chores, and I fought this very hard. I don't think he does them right. He definitely doesn't load the dishwasher right. He leaves the laundry too long and it wrinkles. And his idea of cooking is microwave dinners. I feel like I have to do stuff. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. So I kept trying to push myself and I would tell myself things like oh, it's not that big of a deal the washing machine does most of the work anyway. Except that my body was trying to use all of its energy to fight that thing off and I'm just taking from that energy to do laundry. It kept happening over and over and over again. I would get bad and then I would just do nothing but lay on the couch and do recovery things like drinking fluids and taking vitamins. And then I would start to feel better. The fever would break. I'd have a little bit more energy, and then I would do all the things and then bam. The fever comes back. The fatigue comes back. And most of the time I kept pushing. My boyfriend kept telling me to let him do the chores. I'm supposed to be getting better, right? But I would sneak and do a chore. I just could not let it go. I have felt this strange compulsion like I must do these things. Almost like guilt. Like these are my chores. I must do them even if it kills me. Not doing them actually felt awful. It seems like it should feel great to not have to do chores like to have someone else do them for a while. Yeah on paper. That's amazing. Like who wants to do chores? I would 100% say I don't. Yeah, I'd rather lay around on the couch and do nothing. That's what I'd say if I was asked that. I'd be lying to myself though. Because in our fucked up capitalistic society we have so conflated our sense of self worth with productivity, that not being productive feels like death. Resting actually feels awful. It is where all the feelings you try to be so busy to escape come out to play. It makes you confront yourself. It strips bare that cultural conditioning to always be going and doing. To stop-- to truly stop-- doesn't let you hide. I still cannot make myself rest as much as probably need. I can do like a day. But more than that, and then I get this general feeling like something bad is going to happen.The sky is going to fall. If I don't keep making podcast episodes, something bad will happen. If I don't give 100% At work, something bad will happen. If I don't get these chores done, it will be bad. That is the soundtrack of rest as it exists for me today. huh We've been conditioned to be like this. Think back to elementary school where they gave out awards to the kids that had perfect attendance. It was less that those kids never got sick. All kids get sick. It was more that they didn't miss school even when they were sick. They were rewarded for refusing to rest. I had a boss say in a team meeting once "Have a great weekend everyone you really earned it." As if a weekend or the right to rest must be earned. But we do think that don't we? We think we have to earn the right to rest. You can play after you finish your chores. Work first. Always, always always. I think this cultural attitude might quite literally be killing us. I think it is probably very likely killing me. I'm reading this book right now by Trisha Hersey called Rest is Resistance. As you can tell by the title, she asserts that resting in our society, in our culture, is an act of resistance. Because you are never going to get permission to rest. You will have to take it by force. You will have to claim it in the way all withheld rights have to be claimed. And what this really is is a reclamation of your body because the body needs rest same as it needs oxygen or nutrition. But our capitalistic society uses our bodies. It uses our bodies up and moves on to the next. We are consumed, burnt out, stressed, sick, barely surviving. And I can see it so clearly. I can see the conditioning. I can see that I just need the courage to opt out, to say no, I'm going to take a minute here. I deserve to rest up and get better. It's so obvious, and I can't do it. That's how strong the conditioning is. Because if I were to stop, even for a moment, that guilt would be there. The constant mental grind of thinking how everything is just piling up and I'll have to deal with it at some point it might as well be now. And fuck I don't have an answer, my friends. I think this is problem, and I don't really have an answer. I just wanted to talk about this. Because I think I'm probably not the only one who feels this way. And I just want to do one courageous thing this week in the name of resting. I want to cancel one so called obligation. I want to half-ass something this week. I want to commit an act of resistance in the name of rest. And I want to extend an invitation for you to do the same. And email me and let me know how it goes. My email is on my website www.melindagerdungcoaching.com For reals let me know. All right, my friends. Until next time, be well