Resetting the Relationship Baseline

TW: Rape

This episode explores the factors that contributed to ending up in an abusive relationship. The concept of a relationship baseline is defined and advice is given for how to reset your relationship baseline so you never end up in a toxic relationship again. 

Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com

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Transcript

0:21

Hey my friend. So last week we had talked about resting, and I just wanted to give you an update on that. I wanted to let you know that I cancelled several obligations. In the name of rest. And I don't think it is an accident that the week that I did that is the week that I recovered. It was almost a little addicting, canceling things. It was exciting almost. It was like What else can I get rid of? I think what I've learned from the experience is that a lot of the obligations that I think I have are more self imposed than anything else and they really aren't as necessary as sometimes I think they are. So, food for thought. But I wanted to share with you today, the influences that led me to end up in an abusive marriage. I think as you examine your own life and your own path, you might find some similarities to mine. Because we didn't end up in these relationships by chance. There were reasons. And once I understood those reasons, once I could really see my own role in why I chose to be in this relationship, that is what led me feel really confident that I'll never end up in that place again. So I think it is something worth looking at for sure. I've often said that I trained my whole life for that relationship. When I think about my childhood and what was modeled to me as as love, it makes complete sense how I ended up where I did. Even things we might not think of really like Did your parents apologize to you when it was warranted? Mine certainly didn't. And it might seem small, but the home is where we learn relationship. If the people who love you don't apologize to growing up when they've hurt you, you don't expect people to apologize to you. So when you start dating a man and he never apologizes when you get hurt, it doesn't raise a red flag for you. It's normal. You don't expect an apology because you never got them. No one modeled to you that that was how relationship repair works. So you are willing to be in relationships where that isn't done. And that's just you know, one little facet of it. As you as you begin to pull on that thread you'll see, or at least I've seen, more and more instances like that. My mom was a very controlling person in our home. Both of my sisters and I and my dad. Manipulation was normal. Emotional blackmail was normal. I really didn't know anything different. Being belittled and made fun of was normal. So when I was dating someone who did things like that, it just seemed normal. Whereas someone who didn't grow up with that environment would just be like, Oh, this is awful. I'm not fucking doing this. But I didn't have another point of reference. So I just went along with it because it was normal to me. I got married very young. I was 21 when I got married. I hadn't dated very much. And even when I had, all the men I dated were pretty toxic. There was one who literally raped me and a couple who cheated and lied the whole time. So I was consistently being drawn to people who are chaotic. Who felt like "home." That's the way Attraction works. We are drawn to what feels most comfortable to us. And by comfortable I mean familiar, because something can feel absolutely awful emotionally but if it is what is familiar it is what will be drawn to for comfort. It's pretty fucked up. But that's what the research and the psychology shows us about attachment. So I was drawn to chaos. I was drawn to people who saw me as less than because that's what I knew. That's what was familiar. Another huge factor for me was because I grew up in the Mormon cult. That cult is incredibly controlling of its members. It's very normal for those in positions of authority to exert control, and it's normal for members to kind of police each other. And so control and people behaving in controlling and manipulative ways was all I knew, both inside the home and out. I was pretty isolated. I was homeschooled for most of my childhood so I didn't really have much to go on other than my home life and that cult. And the cult really does a number on your self esteem. My marriage might have destroyed my self esteem, but it was pretty low to start with. And that for sure made me vulnerable to predators. It made it so the smallest bit of attention and praise was totally addicting to me. I wanted to be loved so badly that I would have traded anything for that. So if the cost was being controlled and being belittled sometimes, I was willing to pay it. All of us who have been in abusive relationships know that there are usually cycles: there's a good part and then there's a bad part. Like he blows up at you and it's really bad and then he gets apologetic and is super nice to you for a while until the next bad part. And on and on and on it goes. Well, I was vulnerable to that cycle. I was so desperate for the good part that I was willing to tolerate the bad part. Another aspect that made me vulnerable to predators like my ex was the influence of purity culture in the Mormon cult. So in the Mormon culture, women don't have value outside of getting married and having babies. It's like the most important thing for a woman is to get married. And so that's what I thought too. And that's what determined my value as a human in that culture. And we also got the message how important sexual purity was in that equation. Like all the time I got taught that if we had sex outside of marriage, we were like chewed bubble gum or used toilet paper. We were only good and worthy if we were pure for our husbands. And so when I was raped my freshman year in college, I thought of myself after that as used toilet paper. I felt my worth and even my entire future be threatened. Because Mormons believe that only married people go to the real heaven. If you're not married, even if you are like a really good person, you can only ever be like a servant to the people who are married. So when my ex was willing to marry me, I jumped at it. Even though on some level, I could still feel it wasn't quite right. Even if, notwithstanding how normal most of his shit felt, there were still red flags that I did see. But I chose to ignore them because I thought it might be my only chance at salvation since I was damaged goods. And that's crazy and fucked up when I think about that today but that's how my thinking was at that time. That's how I ended up in that relationship. A lot of my beliefs had to change in order for me to not be susceptible to toxic relationships. The way I saw myself had to change. My self esteem had to be increased. My baseline for how I judged relationships had to be reset. Some of that resetting is done through observing others with good relationships. Some of that is through having good relationships with others. And that doesn't have to be romantic relationships. It could be friendships, good friendships. But the relationship I had with myself is where most of the work was done. I had to have the kind of relationship with myself that I wanted to have with someone else. If I treat myself the way I want others to treat me it resets the baseline. It adjusts what feels normal. I'm always emphasizing with my clients how important your internal self talk is. If you say horrible things to yourself regularly, it's not going to stand out when a dude slips in a sly comment. Because they never at first come out and say the really nasty stuff. They test the waters first. And if you're so used to hearing nasty shit in your head all day it isn't going to flag. But if your self talk is only loving it will. It will stick out so bad then. If you have a deep loving relationship with yourself anything that isn't that is going to feel off and uninteresting. That's how important this is. And if say something mean to myself, I apologize to myself too. Because I want that in my baseline. I want to expect an apology when I get hurt. We've talked on the podcast before in episodes 10 and 12 about specific strategies on how to develop a better relationship with yourself so we won't go in depth into it again here. You can review those episodes if you need to. But this is incredibly important work to do. And it takes time and devotion. No one does it perfectly. Certainly not me.That's why I have to apologize to myself sometimes. But I have to do so less and less because I definitely get better at this over time with practice. If you want to feel really confident that you will never end up in another toxic relationship, you will have to reset your relationship baseline. You will probably have to change a lot of the beliefs that you have about yourself and what relationships even look like. And it can be challenging to do that at times, but it does get easier and it is so so so worth it. And this is literally what I help people with in coaching. So if you want help, you know where to find it. All of my information is on my website, www.melindagerdungcoaching.com . Alright my friends, be kind to yourselves. And until next time, be well.