Who Are You

This episode dives into why a solid sense of self will improve all the relationships in your life and protect you from unnecessary trauma. 

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Transcript

0:14

My friends, I want to ask you a question. Who are you outside of what you are to other people? I was asked this question a couple years ago and I found it really hard to answer it. So much of my identity was tied up in was other people. But who are you? Just you? And do you know? And I think I found it hard to answer that question because I didn't really know. I only ever considered myself in context of what I was to someone else. And there's nothing wrong with having identities that involve other people. We all do. Of course, we do. We all identify as something like daughter, mother, partner, whatever, that's normal. There's nothing wrong with that. But I think it is also important to have a strong sense of self, a strong sense of who you are at the core, independent of anyone else. And the reason I think this is important is that, when the entirety of your identity is tied up relationally, it makes you susceptible to unhealthy attachments or patterns or even trauma. For example, if the entirety of your identity is tied up in the role of mother, there is an automatic pressure there to be a good mother, whatever that means. It puts pressure on children to turn out a certain way. You need them to be a certain way because how they are reflects on you and your success or failure. It makes having children about you and not them. It becomes more selfish. There will be more pressure on your children to please you. You will be susceptible to criticism on whether or not you are a quote"good" mom. It leaves you vulnerable to identity crisis as your role changes over time. What happens if your children don't want a relationship with you as an adult? What happens when you are an empty nester? I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with being proud of that identity or having that even be a big portion of your identity or one of your favorite parts of your identity. But if it is your only identity, if it's the only way you see yourself, it can make you susceptible to getting a little grippy anytime anything threatens that identity or makes that identity seem wobbly. For me a big part of my identity is dog mom. I'm very proud of that. I love being mom to Marley and Coco. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's not bad to have these externally relating identities. But if that is my only identity, if that is the only way that I see myself, what happens to me when I'm not dog mom? what happens to me then? Trauma is what would happen. There's that feeling when you lose a part of yourself. I describe it as like feeling like a piece of me has died. If part of me is the identity of dog mom and then suddenly I'm not a dog mom anymore, a piece of my identity dies, so to speak. But if that is my only identity it is like all of me dies while I'm still existing. And that is incredibly traumatic. Feeling like you've lost a piece of yourself is traumatic enough but to feel like you lost all of yourself? That would be devastating. I see this a lot in romantic relationships too. So many times I've had a woman express to me that they have no idea what they even like. They don't know what they want in their life. Their whole identity was tied up in a relationship. And then if that relationship ends, they suffer an identity crisis. They feel completely untethered and lost because they don't know who they are outside of that relationship. I think you can end up staying too long in a relationship that isn't really working when your whole identity is tied up in it. Because when it is your whole identity, it doesn't feel like just a relationship ending, which feels bad enough. It feels like you yourself are dying. The loss becomes so much greater than it is for someone who has a solid sense of self outside of that relationship. The grief will be so much stronger. The struggle, the ability to move on, everything will just be so much harder and traumatic even. you know what I mean? I was listening to a teacher of mine this week talking to another student and the student she asked how she could stop caring when people don't like she's doing. And my teacher said to her, she said you don't ever stop caring. Like it is always going to hurt a little when someone doesn't like what we're doing because we're human. That's like one of the features of being human. We're social creatures. We're kind of wired that way. But when you have a strong sense of who you are and a strong why behind what you're doing, the criticism doesn't stop you. It might still sting a little because we're not robots, but it won't derail you anymore. You aren't going to entertain the opinion of every Tom, Dick, and Sally because you already have a solid sense of who you are and why you do what you do. So my friends, I would invite you to consider Do you know who you are independent of everyone else? Who are you at your core? And if you don't know, if you are coming up blank like I once did, how can you begin to figure that out? I have discovered that I am someone who is really stubborn. I love animals a lot. I am passionate about speaking out on injustices against women. I am someone who doesn't quit. I am hard to kill just like a cockroach. I can figure anything out and I am still learning about myself and who I am. I am trying to anchor into that more than any other external identity. Because external identities can change. I can be a girlfriend today but not tomorrow. But the core of who I am can stay with me no matter what. I can anchor into that and feel solid and secure in that and it is that security in who I am that will allow me to form healthy secure attachments with others as well. Alright my friends, until next time, be well.