Abuse survivors have a tendency to blame themselves for a lot of the things that their abusers do or say. This episode talks about breaking the mental habit of accepting the blame that isn't yours.
Abuse survivors have a tendency to blame themselves for a lot of the things that their abusers do or say. This episode talks about breaking the mental habit of accepting the blame that isn't yours.
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Hey my friends. I've been watching Ru Paul's drag race on Hulu. And I love that show. One because it's light and fun. But what I like most is that the Queens that act like spoiled children don't get very far in the competition. And if you've ever spent a minute in corporate America, you know that that isn't the case there. It's usually the shit that floats to the top. So it's really nice and refreshing to see that somewhere that isn't the case. Anyway, that's our aside for this week. Have you ever stopped yourself from talking about what your ex did because you didn't want to talk badly about them? This is so fascinating to me because I see this sometimes where people will censor themselves so as not to talk bad about their abuser. But stating the facts of what happened isn't talking bad about someone. You're not shit talking them. You were just stating what happened. What you experienced. It's not shit talking if you are just saying what they did. Just like setting a boundary isn't punishing someone. Getting a divorce wasn't something that you DID to them. The idea that some people should be able to do whatever they want, and not have the natural consequences for that is insane. Getting a divorce isn't what you did to them. It was a result of the way they behaved. Talking about your experience isn't talking bad about them. The fact that what they did was bad does not mean that you need to hide it. If they didn't want that out there there, they shouldn't have done it. A lot of abusers will try to make you think that the natural consequences are something malicious that you are doing to them. Don't fall for it. It's bananas. No one gets to act any kind of which way and not have an effect on things. Like all actions have consequences. Just because someone doesn't like a consequence doesn't mean that they are being wronged. It means they made a bad choice. Don't let these people convince you that them not liking the consequences of their own actions is in any way your problem. If they are hurt by the consequences, it isn't you hurting them. It is themselves. If they ate an entire tub of ice cream and got a massive stomach ache, would you blame yourself? They might try to blame you with'well you should stop me' or whatever they say when they're avoiding taking responsibility for their own actions. But you didn't force them to eat ice cream. You didn't force them to abuse you. Those were their own choices. Those were their own actions. They don't get the right to live without the consequences of those actions. But sometimes abuse survivors try to absorb the consequences for their abusers. I think it goes back to the dynamic we talked about before in the episode Responsibility Vs. Blame, where abusers tend to take no responsibility whatsoever for their actions. And their victims usually take on too much responsibility, even for things that they couldn't possibly be responsible for or have any control over. And when that happens, the abuse victim tries to absorb the consequences for the abuser. They might do things like stay quiet about it so as not to make them look bad. Or try to justify the way that they were treated with like,'Oh, it wasn't as bad as it could have been' or 'Well, I was kind of being difficult' or you know, whatever the the excuse or justification is. It's like protecting the abuser: protecting them from their own consequences. But the reality is that you can't make them look bad; they made themselves look bad. I get that when you are so used to shouldering the blame for everything that it can be really scary to stop doing that and just let the chips fall where they may. And I get that it almost feels like you're doing something wrong. But that's not the truth. That's what the abuser trained into you. They spent a lot of time and probably violence in convincing you that everything is your fault. That they wouldn't act the way that they do if you were just not the way that you are. And at some point you start to believe it yourself. You start accepting the blame for everything. And it can be really hard to stop. It can feel really scary and it can feel like you are being a bad person. But it's so necessary to stop this dynamic. It's necessary to stop trying to take the blame for everything. You have to allow them to face their own consequences. It's not something that you need to feel guilty about. They are grown ass adults who are making their own decisions, and they are capable of shouldering the consequences of those decisions. Also, there are supposed to be consequences for actions. That's nature's feedback loop. We're supposed to be able to get feedback and adjust according to that feedback. They need to be able to get the feedback. They need to start being held accountable for the results of their actions. And the only way that happens is if you stop shielding them from it. When I first started talking openly about my childhood and some of the things that I experienced, I felt this strong guilt. It was like I felt guilty for making my mom look bad by saying out loud some of the things that she did. But what I had to come to realize is that as long as I wasn't embellishing, if I was just stating what happened and how it affected me, I wasn't doing anything wrong. She did what she did, and I don't owe her my silence. If she feels some kind of way about what I say, that isn't my fault. That's a consequence of the things that she did. It's not something I inflicted upon her. If she doesn't like it, then it just means that she doesn't like the results of her actions. And she can not like it all she wants. She's entitled to that. But it isn't my job to protect her from that. She's an adult now and she was an adult then and adults get to be accountable for their actions. It isn't right for anyone to expect anyone else to be their shield. So I hope you will take this to heart, my friends. You don't owe anyone your protection. No one has the right to demand that you absorb the consequences of their actions. That's not your burden to bear. You have your own burdents. And that is enough. All right, my friends. Until next time, be well.
