Letting Go

Letting go of what could have been and should have been is one of the  hardest struggles coming out of a toxic or abusive relationship. This episode walks through some of my own experience doing this. 

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Transcript

0:15

Hey my friends. I hear a lot of abuse survivors say that they wish they could go back to being the person who they were before the abuse. The person they were before they met their ex. And I understand this sentiment completely. There is a carefree sort of happiness that you just don't quite get back to. The time where you just trusted people and connected easily and weren't so afraid and jaded. I get it. There's like an innocence there that's kind of nice. I also would never want to go back to the person I was before because that person might have been really trusting, but she was too trusting. The two options aren't trusting everyone and trusting no one. Neither of those options are healthy. The reality is there are predators out there. And the wisdom I have now on how they act and how to recognize them is valuable. Even if the gaining of that wisdom was painful. So no, I wouldn't trade that. I wouldn't want to be the same person as I was because the person that I was got into a bad relationship and stayed for years in it. So no, I don't want to be the person that I was before. I want to be a wiser person than I was before. I want to be someone who builds trust with others and who trusts those who've earned it. I want to be someone who judges whether what someone says and does is matching up or not. I want to be someone who evaluates what people contribute to my life instead of just letting whoever be around because I'm scared to be alone. I want to be someone who isn't afraid to walk away when someone isn't good for me. And there is happiness now. I haven't lost the ability to be happy. The only thing that really isn't is the same innocence as there was before because I know things now. I've seen a darker side of humanity and I can't un-see that. But because of that I can't be duped as easily and there's value in that. As you come out of an abusive or toxic relationship, the old you does die. But that's normal. Even outside of those relationships. People are constantly growing and evolving. We are all always dying little mini deaths all the time as we let go of old identities and habits. It's just more pronounced when you leave a toxic or abusive relationship. You might have to grieve the person that you were and that's okay. I think for me it was more grieving who I could have been rather than who I was. It was more of like thinking of the potential that I had and what I could have done and been if I hadn't been in that relationship. I had to grieve that. I had to grieve my youth. Because I got married so young. When other people my age were like really finding themselves and having fun and being young, I was being tormented in an abusive marriage. I had to grieve the time that I didn't get to have being a young adult. I had to grieve the effect that it had on my mental health. I had to let that go. So take the time that you need to grieve it and then move on and celebrate instead the person you have become and are becoming. Celebrate the time you have now that you are free. There is such strength in being able to leave a bad relationship. The work you end up having to do to rebuild your self confidence and self esteem can actually make you feel better about yourself even than before. I have way more confidence in myself now than I ever did before my marriage. I actually feel the best I've ever felt in my life. Wishing I could be like who I was before, I would miss that I can actually be so much more than that. The bar can be so much higher. And I also got to realize that discovering yourself isn't just for when you're 20. It's it's actually a lifelong process and I get to do that for the rest of my life. I haven't missed out. In my pursuit to make myself feel better from the trauma of that relationship, I feel like I've actually gained so much knowledge and so much skills that have improved my life so drastically. And I don't think I would have done that if I wasn't at some point seeking so hard to get better. It's almost like he gave me a gift. Like, he gave me trauma that's for sure. But also this gift. This gift of learning skills that taught me how to manage my own mind and emotions. I learned how to be the creator of my own reality. Most people never learn that. And it actually fills my belly with ice thinking of a life in which I never do learn it. I'm so grateful for where I am and the path that I've taken. And it was the trauma that led me there. I don't love the trauma, but I sure do love where I've ended up. It's normal to feel sad for what was taken from you inside of that relationship. It usually requires grieving. That's totally normal. And on the other side of that grief, you get to celebrate yourself and your aliveness. There are so many possibilities that open up once you are outside of those toxic relationships. You are free and are now one of the few people with the ability to truly appreciate what that means. So grieve what you need to, my friends, and then celebrate. Because you are worthy of celebration. Alright my friends until next time, be well.