Consequences

A personal story about the importance of holding consequences for toxic behavior. 

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Transcript

0:16

Hey my friends. So this is going to be kind of a long story, but I promise it has a point. In December of 2021, I went with my partner to his hometown in El Paso and we were going to stay at his grandma's house and his mom lives with his grandma and they have a spare bedroom, so we were gonna stay there and we were gonna bring my Chihuahuas and spend Christmas there that year. And that was going to be my first time meeting his mom and grandma. So we planned that trip and we drove there from Arizona. It was late when we were arriving in El Paso and we hadn't eaten anything. So we decided to stop at Taco Cabana before we got to their house. So we wouldn't, you know, show up hungry at 10 o'clock at night. And at the patio of the Taco Cabana, there were all these seeds all over the ground. And my girls were also starving by that time so just they started gobbling up these seeds that were everywhere. And I was like, What the fuck are these seeds? And I looked them up on my phone and it turns out they're like, deadly toxic to dogs. So we ended up taking them to an emergency hospital nearby. And they stayed there for days to be pumped out and monitored for organ failure. And so of course I'm a mess throughout that. Those girls are my whole world like I love them more than anything. So we get to his grandma's house even later than we had originally planned and my partner had been on the phone with them, letting them know what happened. And so we finally arrive and I walk into the house for the first time. And his mother is there and it was the weirdest thing. It was like walking into a brick wall. Like that energy that was coming off of her felt like oily black grease. And every cell in my body started screaming at me to just leave. Like immediately upon seeing her, danger bells were going off in my head and my whole nervous system activated and I was literally feeling the urge to like flee. I was like what the fuck and I kind of chalked it up to having had this horrible night with my girls having to be admitted into an emergency hospital. So I totally just brushed the feeling off. But it kept happening. And it got to the point where I was getting physically sick in the house. Like I was having to run to the toilet. And as soon as my partner and I would leave the house to go somewhere else, I was suddenly fine again. But as soon as I was around his mom again I would start to get violently ill. And it got to the point where I started getting a new cup each time I got a drink because I was thinking like Am I being poisoned or something like what is going on? And I'm not usually paranoid like that, but it was so bad. I was so sick. And it was funny too because if I was in the house like just with his grandma, I was fine. Like there was no issue. It was just as soon as his mom entered the room, the air would just change. Like the energy coming off of her was some of the darkest energy I've ever felt. And it was so strong. And it just rolled off of her in these waves. And I've never experienced something quite like that ever. And she kept having like these rage explosions. Like she would just go off on my partner at random times, like full on screaming, rage fits. And the energy all the time was just so toxic. Some of the most toxic I've ever felt. Even around violent criminals! Like I have literally been in rooms with violent criminals and they had less evil rolling off of them and this woman! And I didn't know this when we were there then, but I would find out years later actually that she had always been really abusive towards my partner when he was growing up. Like it really sickened me finding out some of the things she had done and how she treated them. But it all made sense. But at that point, I didn't know any of that. I just couldn't be near her without falling violently ill. But I was enduring it because, you know, this was our plan to spend Christmas there. And after a few days, my girls were finally, thank God, ready to be released from the hospital. And they were doing better and so my partner and I went out and got them and brought them back to the house. And his mother started rage screaming about there being dogs in the house. I was like what the hell! This trip has been planned for months and she knew we were bringing dogs and never said anything about not wanting them there-- not once! She knew they were in the hospital and we were intending on bringing them there and she never said anything. She waited until they arrived so she could have a screaming fit about it. And so at that point, I was like fuck this shit. I'm out right and like I can't. She literally waited so that she could have a screaming fit. Like there were so many points prior to that moment to address the issue. Like if I knew the dogs weren't welcome, I wouldn't have brought them. I would have found a babysitter. But to pretend it's fine and then have a screaming fit about it? Just No. Absolutely not. Like that is the most toxic, childish behavior and I'm not fucking with that. So I said to my partner, I'm going to take the girls to this hotel and then tomorrow we're driving home and if you want to stay longer I mean that's up to you, but you can get a flight back. But I'm taking my car and I'm leaving with the girls tomorrow. But he decided to leave with us. So we left their house and we went to the hotel and then drove home the next day. And from that point on, I was like I'm not fucking with that. Like, she's his mother. He has to deal with her. I do not. So I don't. I won't go back there. I won't talk to her. I talked to his grandma. I just won't talk to his mother. She's just evil as far as I'm concerned, especially after learning about all the abusive shit like, it turns my stomach, learning about how she was when they were growing up. It's just, it's horrifying. And just like how could anyone do that and be that way to a child. So I just I can't with her. I don't need that my life. I have enough drama with my own family for And then out of the blue this week, she messages me on real. Facebook. This whole thing happened in 2021 and it's 2024 now. And her message said that she wants to start over and meet me again. She says that she was still in panic mode over the pandemic before and she wants me to give her another try. And I thought about it only because it's my partner's mother. Normally I wouldn't even consider, but I read the message and considered. I decided not to give her what she's asking for. And I want to tell you why. Because in her message she never mentions what went down between us. There was no acknowledgement or taking responsibility or any kind of apology for her behavior. There was only an excuse offered and a request for me to remove the consequences that her behavior had had. I often say that I don't do forgiveness, but that's not even true. I have forgiven and put it behind us when they've been able to own their shit and apologize for it. But if that isn't there, I can't do it. Because I'm not interested in having the same toxic experiences over and over and over again. And without that responsibility piece that's all that's really happening. I wanted to talk to you about this because I think this is something that happens with toxic people. They always want second chances. And it can feel like if you don't give someone a second chance that you're being mean, or unfair, or you're holding a grudge. And I would like to offer you here that that is not the case. There's a difference between giving someone a second chance and being a doormat. I think second chances are for people who are trying to grow and who you can see effort from. If I can see someone making efforts to be better and better themselves and taking responsibility for their actions, I'm all for giving them the opportunity to be a new better person. And in that case, yeah, we can absolutely start over. I've done that with people. But in the absence of that evidence, giving them a so called Second Chance would just be opening myself up for the same old shit. That's not really a second chance or a do over. That's just someone not liking the consequence of their actions and want they want you to remove the consequences without anything on their part. And that's just more of their toxicity coming through. I had that experience with my ex. The first time I left him he was so apologetic. And so I gave him the second chance that he was asking for. But what he was really giving me was words. And if I'm being really honest, excuses. Which, just as a side note, be especially aware of people who give excuses because there is no end of excuses available. And excuses are taking zero responsibility. So excuses are a big old red flag. And so with my ex after going back to him because this time was going to be different, right? And of course it went back to the same old shit and actually escalated even worse. And when I look at it now, it seems very obvious. A lot of words, some excuses, no evidence of actual like change. No real responsibility taken. Like that wasn't starting over new; that was just me not leaving him. Or me removing the consequences of his behavior. Now in order to not have toxic relationships in my life, there are a few things I look for in an apology. I look for specificity. Is that how you say it? I don't want someone to say I'm sorry I upset you. I want them to be able to state specifically. I'm sorry for saying this. I'm sorry for doing that. And I want there to be a specificity in why things will be different going forward. The other thing I look for is taking ownership. If someone gives me excuses, it's kind of a no go. And honestly not a lot of people can do this. A lot of people want to just let time pass and kind of sweep things under the rug and pretend it never happened. They want to make excuses for their behavior. But that's not relationship repair. That's not a healthy relationship. In healthy relationships, you address problems. And I don't expect people to read my mind like if someone said or did something that upset me, I'll tell them. And then whatever their response is, is what determines the staying power of the relationship. But I pay close attention to the words people use in their apologies because they contain multitudes of information. And you also have to be willing to do the same kind of apologizing that you want to have, like relationships aren't one sided. You have to be willing to own your shit too. But holding consequences for toxic behavior, doesn't make you a mean or a bad person. It isn't even about them at the end of the day. Me not wanting to have anything to do with my partner's mother isn't even really about her. It's about me and what's going to be the most healthy for me. It's not something that I'm doing to her for the sake of doing. I'm doing this to protect me. This is my protection, not her punishment. This can be a really difficult concept for people who have spent so long in toxic relationships. When you're used to toxic dynamics holding consequences can feel like you're doing something bad or wrong. Holding these consequences or these boundaries is the only way you protect yourself from being harmed by toxic people. The only way. So it's something you have to get used to. And you can do it. I totally believe you can; I believe anyone can do this. Alright my friends. Until next time, be well.