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Hey my friends. I want to talk today about how important it is to bring things up in relationships and to talk through issues. Not just romantic relationships, but any relationships. If you just ignore issues or sweep stuff under the rug, those things can become major issues and resentments. It's not healthy to ignore problems. Those problems can fester. In a healthy relationship, you are able to address issues and talk things through. I think one of the hallmarks of toxic relationships is the inability to talk about issues that arise. And this was definitely something I struggled with coming out of my abusive marriage. Because just of how unhealthy that marriage was, bringing up issues or talking through things just didn't happen. That wasn't a thing. So coming out of that marriage, it wasn't something I was used to doing. And I found that I tried to ignore issues. But I would end up so annoyed and so frustrated because I wasn't talking about things that were bothering me with people. I was pretending I wasn't bothered while I was seething internally. It was actually very toxic behavior on my part. Because other people aren't mind reader's. They can't know how I feel unless I express that. I don't know if any of you have ever done like that passive aggressive shit with dropping hints hoping that they'll like figure out you're mad but you don't actually just talk about it like an adult. So toxic. So done that. So been there. These are things that I did because I hadn't developed the ability to talk about things in a constructive, helpful way. And I think this is important to point out because we all can act toxic sometimes. And so yeah, sometimes you might observe yourself behaving in ways that are toxic simply because you haven't developed the skills or the ability to do differently yet. What is important though, is taking responsibility for that and making the effort to change and to do things better. Everyone acts toxic sometimes. What makes a truly toxic person is someone who never takes any responsibility for it, and who refuses to do anything about it. If you've ever heard someone say like, well, this is just how I am. Right? That's one of those indicators that someone isn't taking responsibility for how they show up in the world. Because we always have the ability to do differently. It's about if we are willing to or not. As I started to change this behavior in myself, I had a lot of things that I had to address. One of the main things I had to address was with my mom. She is very religious, and I am very not. She would always do what I call Jesus bombing, where like in the middle of any random conversation she'll suddenly start shoving religion down my throat. And it was just so fucking irritating, but I always just let her do it and I just tried to like zone out but I'd be pissed about it. But I didn't say anything. Until I finally did. I was direct. I said, I know you have people in your life who would be happy to talk to you about these things, but I am not one of them. And she said sorry, and that was that. And she doesn't do it anymore. And I don't get mad at her anymore. Because I addressed it clearly and directly and now she knows how I feel about it. I find this works really well for aggressive or bullying behavior. If you find yourself having to deal with someone who likes to make snide little digs, you know the type. You know what I'm talking about? We all know people who are just kind of backhanded and it can be so frustrating, but I have found that if you like question their intent a little bit it puts them off. Like if someone says something snide, you can kind of redirect it by asking like Did you mean that to sound hurtful? Or that sounded really hurtful. Did you intend it to sound that way? Or like question what their motivation is. And just like not being aggressive to them or taking their bait, but kind of like shining a light on their behavior and almost holding a mirror for them to look at what they're doing. It doesn't have to be like super confrontational or aggressive it can just be like, Wow, that sounded really mean did you intend it to sound that way? And it just kind of reflects back to them that what they said could be interpreted really hurtful and you know, it makes them kind of have to take responsibility for that. And it works really well, like that kind of behavior can really only continue if it's allowed. If they keep getting called out, they're not going to want to keep doing it. But you have to be able to address it in this calm, direct manner because what they really want, if they're doing it intentionally, is an emotional reaction. And if you give them that it feeds them. Toxic people live for that, I swear. But they really hate having it pointed out. It works with offensive jokes too. When someone tells an offensive joke, make them explain why it's funny. They'll stop. It takes the fun out of it for them. It stops feeding them. They won't pull their shit around you if they know that you aren't gonna let it slide. It can feel really uncomfortable to address things like this though when you aren't used to doing it. But as you come out of a toxic relationship, the one thing we all desperately want is to not be in another one. And I think if you really want to not be in toxic relationships moving forward, this direct communication skill is the thing that you have to learn because it will really highlight who is toxic and who isn't. Because toxic people can't stand this. This is something people with healthy relationships do and expect to do. Right they expect to talk about things and you know, bring things up in non dramatic ways. But that's anathema to toxic people. A mark of someone who is going to be toxic is a lack of responsibility. So if you try to have a direct conversation about it with someone who can't take responsibility for anything, it's going to be glaringly obvious. And so I would invite you to practice communicating this way. Practice stating things calmly and directly. Say what you mean without dressing it up or beating around the bush. Make people explain to you their motivations when you suspect shady shit. We talk a lot about standing up for yourself and I think this is part of it. The previous episode called assertive communication was also a really good episode on building good communication skills. It's definitely worth a re-listen if you haven't listened to it in a while. Alright my friends until next time, be well.
