This episode talks about the way our society encourages us to tie our self-worth to our productivity and what I suggest instead.
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Welcome to drop the bags, bitch, the podcast where we talk about healing from traumatic marriages and divorces. I'm your host, Melinda Gerdung, certified life coach, domestic violence survivor and lead divorce coach for women who want to get over their ex and live their best life. Hey, my friends, I hope you're doing well this week. So I started reading the soul of money by Lynn twist over the weekend, and I was only at the first page and I was already like weeping. Like, it's so good, it really, really, really makes you think. And I'm not finished with it yet. But so far, I would highly recommend checking it out. And I wanted to talk about one of the concepts that she talked about in the book. And she talked about it in the context of money, but I want to apply it to productivity. So I think we're getting to the point in the year where those New Year's resolutions start to fall by the wayside for a lot of people. And sometimes that can bring with it a sense of failure. Right, so many of us judge ourselves and judge our worth, based on how much we produce. I can't tell you how many times I've had a client refer to a day as good or bad based on how productive that they were that day. Right, the days where they don't do as much they are judging the shit out of themselves for it. And I think a lot of us base our sense of worth upon what we can do for others, or for our contributions to society. And on the surface, this might not seem like a bad thing. Like we can think it is good to contribute to society and to do things for others, ensure that argument can be made. I think the problem though, lies with when we base our worth on those things. So anytime we base our worth on something external, it gives up the control of our own sense of self worth, it gives away the power to determine our worth. And anytime we look externally for a sense of self worth, most of the time, we're going to come up short, because a sense of self worth to actually feel a sense of that, that is an internal feeling. Right? It cannot be obtained externally. But when you are looking for it externally, and never quite able to capture that feeling, it leads you on the hamster wheel of always having to be doing and doing and hustling to try and prove yourself or to try to earn your value. And sometimes we don't even realize that that is what is happening. It can be so unconscious. I remember a few years ago when I was working with my first coach. So we were talking about my own insecurity in my relationship and how, because I had such poor body image, I kind of expected that as soon as someone prettier came along, that my partner would just leave me for them. And that how I constantly was comparing myself to those around me to try and determine if any of them were a potential threat to my relationship. And that it was just so fucking exhausting to be doing that. Like I didn't even want to go anywhere because I knew I was going to be doing that. And so I brought it up to my coach. And she kind of asked me, Well, why would someone be in a relationship with you? And I was thinking about it. And I was like, Well, you know, I'm not the prettiest person, but I'm not like ugly either. I guess my partner's with me because I do things for him. Like I cook for him. I'm pretty nice to him. So I guess there's some reasons that he's with me. And she was like, Okay, but why would he be with you? Other than those things? And I didn't even understand the question. Like I was so perplexed, like, What do you mean? Like, if I can't do anything for him, why would he be with me? I have no fucking clue. And it was a group coaching call. So she kind of remarked at large for the benefit of the group that she was like, I think It's so funny that you ask a woman that, and she has trouble answering. But I bet if you asked him man, he'd be like, I don't know, I'm funny, I'm cool. I'm pretty good person to hang around. And so she wanted me to like, think about that question like, why would someone be with me if I couldn't do anything for them. And when we look externally for a sense of worth, or when we look to productivity, or doing something to earn our value, what we are overlooking is the enormous internal wealth that we possess, we overlook our internal gifts. Right? When I think I have to earn the love of a partner by what I do for him, I am overlooking my kindness, my loyalty, my intelligence, my capacity for love, etc. In fact, when we're using productivity, or doing as a measure of worth, we usually don't even take stock of our own internal richness, we don't even see it, we become blind to our inherent worth, the worth that we possess, based on that internal richness. When my coach asked me about why someone would want to be in a relationship with me, I had no answer, I had no idea. The idea was completely baffling to me. It broke my brain to think about it. I had never looked at my internal gifts, I was completely ignorant of them. And not only had I never taken stock of them, it was difficult for me to do so. It was like I was so mired in the belief that I had to earn love or earn worth. And that I was lacking, that it was actually difficult for me to even look for my internal gift. And I think so many of us are like this. And it's not our fault. Right? There's a persistent societal message that tells us that you need a high net worth or you need to contribute to the society or do things for others. The message exists that we must do and we must earn, but never that we can just be. And this isn't to say that we shouldn't find ways to contribute to society that are meaningful to us, I think it can be very enriching to do so. And it can be very enriching to do things for other people. But when we are doing them out of a need to earn our value, the doing of them will feel hollow. Because there is no amount of hustling that will let you arrive at a feeling of being worthy. That is always going to be an inside job. But when you do contribute from a sense of fullness of being enough of being worthy, that is when that contributing enriches you. And when it enriches you, it enriches others so much more also, my friends, I would challenge you this week to take stock of your internal gifts. See what your internal wealth is. And if this is difficult for you, ask someone who loves you what they love about you. Ask the people who love you what your internal gifts are, they will tell you and it will help you to start seeing your own worth. Alright my friends, until next time, be well. Hey, my friends. If you're ready to get serious about your healing, I have a video of exactly how to recover from a toxic relationship. You can download it at Melinda Gerdung coaching.com/subscribe See you soon