Why luck is bullshit and how to take charge of your own life.
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Hey friends, how's it going? So I'm just getting over like this cold or flu thing. And I'm still super congested, so I hope it's not too obvious and distracting. But anyway, I remember a few years ago seeing social media posts from my cousin, who had just went to Thailand with her then boyfriend. He's her husband now, but then they were still dating and I remember being so jealous. Not only because I also really wanted to go to Thailand, but because I also really wanted my person to go with. I remember thinking that she was just so lucky and when would it ever be my turn and would I ever get that kind of luck? And I started feeling sorry for myself because my life had turned out so shitty and I didn't find a great person and I had to get a divorce and now I was alone and probably would never find anyone decent because I just wasn't good enough. And as you can tell, it turned into quite the pity party. And now I have just gotten back from a trip to Thailand with my partner. And I can tell you that luck had nothing to do with it. Everything that I have now in my life was very intentionally created. And one of the main contributors to that is when I stopped seeing myself as not good enough for what I wanted. When I stopped attributing things to luck. Luck is really easy to believe in. It's so easy just to think that oh, some people are just lucky. They were lucky enough to pick the right partner. They are lucky enough to be able to go to an exotic destination or take a vacation but when we think of it in terms of luck, it becomes out of reach. I believed for so long that I'm just not lucky. But when I'm attributing things to luck, what I'm not seeing is what it actually takes to bring the things that I want into manifestation in my life. Luck is vague and mysterious and it's something unknowable and something you either have or you don't. As someone who has achieved what I used to think was attributed to luck, I can for sure say that luck has absolutely nothing to do with it. And this is hard for some people to believe because if it isn't luck, then that means that they are responsible for what they have or don't have in life. And this is a really hard pill to swallow. It was a hard pill for me to swallow. But let's take a look at say having a great partner. When you, be it consciously or unconsciously, believe that you aren't good enough for the kind of relationship that you really want, you settle for less. Whereas someone who absolutely believes that they can have the kind of relationship that they want would not. What you tolerate in a partner is different depending on what you believe about yourself. How many second chances you give when they show their true colors, how much you're willing to argue with reality about who they really are--All of that is tied to what you believe about yourself and what you can get out of life. It's not luck. It's the power of our own minds. You will only ever have what you believe that you deserve. I used to want men to prove to me that they wanted me and proving that to me meant breaking down any barriers that I put up. But who do you think it is that breaks down barriers? It's someone who will not honor your boundaries, someone who does not regard your autonomy, someone toxic. A healthy person is going to see your walls and move on. It was my own ideas and mindset that was literally only allowing toxic men into my life. And I had to stop doing that in order to allow better quality men in my life. That's not luck. That's responsibility and healing. The same principle applies to any aspect of your life. It applies to financial things as well. For a long time, I believe that I have to take what I can get and be grateful. And that limited me. I could see people who are better off than me and I could just call them lucky. They had something I didn't have. They had what it takes and I didn't. Instead of asking what does it take and how can I get myself there? It's very different. When I stopped limiting myself, things really changed for me. And this is not to say that going after what you want will be easy. There are very real inequalities in the world. Some people do have more privilege than others. But just because something isn't easy, doesn't mean it isn't possible. I think sometimes people confuse possible with easy. They think that because something isn't easy. It also isn't possible. But possible does not equal easy. Does someone who doesn't have to unlearn health, unhealthy relationship thoughts and patterns have an easier time finding a great relationship? Absolutely. Absolutely. But just because it isn't easy for people who have to unlearn unhealthy patterns, it doesn't mean it isn't possible for them. No matter what your background is, you are not disqualified from having a healthy relationship. The only person who can disqualify you is you by not trying and that goes for anything you want in life. For most people, it is more comfortable to believe in luck, because then they don't have to do anything. Right if if it's out of their control, they don't have to spend the energy trying. Not my fault. I just don't have what it takes. It's very thinly disguised victim energy. In order to have a life that you want, in order to have a life that will appear Lucky from the outside, you have to take responsibility for everything in your life. And that is incredibly uncomfortable. It is incredibly uncomfortable for me. It takes a lot of self compassion to be able to look at your life and take responsibility without taking blame. Because those two things are not at all the same. And one will drive you forward and one will keep you stuck. Be very careful about that. I see a lot of victims of abuse in particular that like to apply blame. They like to blame themselves for what happened and I think this is worth spending a minute to talk about. Because when I say taking responsibility for your life, I mean taking responsibility for what you have control over. A lot of times I see victims of abuse in particular taking trying to take responsibility for things that are not in their realm of responsibility, right. They go more into blame. So take abuse for example. You are never responsible for the actions of other people, right everything the other person said or did that was all them. You literally could not have caused any of that. You cannot take responsibility for their actions. What you can take responsibility for, and what I recommend taking responsibility for, is your own actions. Where are their red flags that you overlooked? Taking responsibility might look like really examining why you overlooked those red flags. What were the excuses that you gave yourself? Why did you overlook them? By really coming to understand the why of it, that is when you're able to address it within yourself. The root cause of why you overlooked them in the first place. This is why I feel so confident now like I don't worry at all about ever ending up in another abusive situation because I have looked at those things. I have looked at why I ignored red flags, why I stayed, all of those things. I looked at what I was responsible for and I addressed those things within myself. So now I don't worry about repeating the past. Look at why you ignored red flags, why you stayed, what excuses you made. What justifications did you make? Why did you second guess yourself? All of these things you can look at what your behaviors were that led you to be in or stay in a situation that was harmful to you. And by really coming to understand fully why behind it, you can begin to address within yourself those things that need healing, so that you can begin to have something different in your life. And this is really what I'm talking about. This is not about right blame. It's not about being like oh, this is my fault. I did this blah blah blah that will lead you into a hole that is very difficult to climb out of. It will get you nowhere. Responsibility and blame are very different. The energy behind them is so different right when I'm looking at the why of when or why I did things it is all curiosity and seeking to understand. There's compassion there. There's no like putting down. There's no energy of harm in any way. And so I would caution you to be very careful when you begin to look and begin to take responsibility for the things that you're making sure your energy is very clean that there's no energy of of blame or self hatred or anything like that coming from it because that will not be helpful. You will not be able to take responsibility for anything while there is blame there. Those two things are antithetical. But I believe that it's really worth doing if you can get yourself to the place where you can look at what you are responsible for it and begin to take responsibility. I think it is so liberating. It will remove so much fear when you really understand the why behind your actions. Then you can begin to change it. Then you can begin to do differently. And when you begin to do differently, you begin to have differently and this makes all of the difference. And if you want to take a look at how your own mindset is contributing to your life, but if you're having difficulty seeing it, you can sign up for a mini session and we'll do it together. Sometimes it's easier to see from the outside looking in. So if you find that you're having difficulty doing it, we can have a 30 minute conversation about it and take a look together the link is in the show notes. And I'll see you next time my friends until then, be well