How to become fearless of the judgment of others and the introduction to the concept of emotional masturbation.
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Hey my friends let's get right into it today. My ex husband did a lot of things to me. He was very manipulative, very controlling, very emotionally and mentally abusive, but he never hit me. And I can remember wishing that he would. Because at some point I knew that I was unhappy in the marriage. I knew that I wanted to leave. But I was also obsessed with having a"good enough" reason to leave. And in my mind being hit would be good enough. I wanted a reason to leave that was so called good enough so that I would be beyond reproach. I didn't want anyone to judge me for leaving. And I thought that if I was being hit, that that would be beyond reproach. If he did that, then no one would think that I was a bad person for leaving. No one would think that it's my fault. No one would judge me for leaving a marriage. I wanted to be able to justify myself. And that fear of judgment or fear of not having a so called good enough reason to leave is one of the things that kept me in that marriage longer than I wanted to be. There are several flaws in this thinking. The first one being that only physical abuse has any merit and is bad enough. And that is simply not true. Abuse is abuse. And all of us who have been in abusive relationships know the toll that they take on you even if they've never laid a hand on you. In fact, some people say that they would rather be hit because bruises heal better than the emotional wounds do. And the second flaw in this thinking is that there exists a set of conditions that will make it so no one will judge you. And the unfortunate truth is that you will always be judged by other people no matter what you do or don't do. There are people who will judge you for leaving, there are people who will judge you for not leaving. There are people who will judge you for how you left. There are people who will judge you for getting married in the first place. There is no escape from the judgment of others. And I'm going to take the stance here that the judgment of others is actually not something to fear at all. In fact, I don't even think it is real. And hear me out on this. I think when we fear the judgment of others so much, it is actually because we fear the judgment of ourselves. What we are really afraid of is that these other people are reflecting the truth back to us. Usually something we are afraid is true. And in my case, I was afraid that leaving would be a mistake and that I should have done more. And if someone reflected that back to me, what I was really afraid of is that I would pick it up and take it as truth because I was not solid in my own truth. I couldn't stand in my own certainty that leaving is what I wanted and that's all I needed. I was at the mercy of the opinions of others because I could not hold my own self concept strongly enough. Instead of just believing that leaving was the best choice for me because I know what is best for me, I was forming the decision making for what is the best choice out other people. And so I desperately needed everyone to agree with me so that I could continue to believe that I hadn't made a mistake. Are you following this?Because this is total mental gymnastics here, but this is the mental gymnastics that I was in. I think we can take strength in knowing that the judgment we actually fear the most is our own and we can learn to have our own backs to be our own friend no matter what. And this doesn't mean that we don't ever feel disappointed in something we did or the way that we've behaved, but it means that we can be disappointed and still love ourselves. Kind of like when your kid does something awful. And you're disappointed but you still love them. Also, what I have observed time and time again, is that when someone is judging you it is literally never about you. It is about them. Every time. People love feeling superior; they love self righteous feelings. And when someone is judging someone else what they are actually doing is masturbating with the feeling of superiority. My dad was over this weekend and we were talking about a block party happening the following week in my grandma's neighborhood and I was asking him if they were planning on going. And he said no and he said it would be awkward anyway because they don't drink anymore and everyone else would be drinking. And then he said it again. But this time, he said I don't use alcohol anymore, with an emphasis on the word use and a tone of smugness. And for background: my dad doesn't drink for religious reasons, and I do drink. But I recognized the inherent judgment from him. And I also recognized that he was just masturbating with the feeling of self righteous superiority. And this is what people do they masturbate with that particular feeling. I think usually when they don't feel good enough in their lives naturally. They do this masturbation in order to feel something positive. But it was very clear to me that it had nothing to do with me like he literally just loves that feeling and he loves grabbing hold of it and masturbating with it I worked with a woman once and when she found out I was divorced, she looked at me with fake pity and she was like yes, marriage is really hard. And she'd been married for forever and she knew nothing of the circumstances of my marriage or divorce. She just assumed that it was my fault and was happy to believe that so she could masturbate with the feeling of superiority. And I didn't correct her. I didn't feel like I needed to. Because I knew the truth. I know that leaving my marriage was a good decision because it is one I'm very happy with. I know that woman is nowhere near my equal. Like come back to me when someone has waved a gun in your face and then told me that marriage is hard. And it didn't matter because she was just masturbating. That's it. It had nothing to do with me or even with the facts. She just wanted to masturbate. And the point here is that you can literally become immune to the judgment of others. Once you can learn to have your own back and not judge yourself. And once you accept that when other people are doing it, all they are really doing is emotional masturbation. And I'm living proof of someone who was once paralyzed with the fear of the judgment of others to someone who kind of gets off on the fact that so many people want to masturbate to me. All right, my friends, have your own back and let people masturbate to you. Until next time, be well.