Co-parenting With An Abusive Ex

Abuse survivors often struggle with how to co-parent with their toxic ex. This episode of the podcast gives you some tips on how to make it easier on yourself in the long run. 

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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
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Transcript

0:22

Hello my friends. Today we're gonna talk about dealing with an abusive ex. Now I feel very strongly that no contact is always the best option whenever possible. If you do not need to have anything to do with your ex do not. The best approach is complete cut off. But that is not an option for everyone. Some people are left with the daunting task of attempting to co parent with their ex. So for people who have to have some sort of contact with their abusive ex, I suggest limited contact. So for example, if you have to co parent, then your exchanges with them are purely limited to that. Nothing else. You're going to have to give up the idea that you can co parent like a normal divorce. A normal couple splits up- maybe they have resentments between them but they can put that aside for the kids and do their best to get along. And that is not going to happen with someone who is abusive. It just isn't. They're not interested in that. They might say they are in order to keep you trying, but they aren't going to magically not be an abusive person just because you aren't together anymore. Like they're still going to be themselves. They're not going to get better. And it's going to suck. But there are things you can do to make it better for yourself. First, you're gonna need some really solid boundaries. So if your boundary is that they can only talk about co parenting things with you, the minute they go outside of that and start asking, if you're seeing someone or asking like how your cousin is doing whatever, you're gonna have to cut that off. And it's gonna feel like you're being mean. You aren't. They're being mean by walking all over you. A decent person doesn't do that. You're just protecting yourself and your sanity. And this goes for whatever you decide your boundaries around co parenting are. But I strongly suggest that you come up with very specific boundaries regarding how you're going to co parent and what action you are going to take when that boundary is violated. Because they will violate it. That's what they do. So you're gonna have to be really solid and non negotiable in your boundaries. I recommend listening or re listening to the boundaries episode of the podcast for a refresher on setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. Another thing that you might find helpful is the technique called gray rocking. Gray rocking really helps in dealing with the narcissistic types, the types of abuser who like to get a reaction out of you who like to play with your feelings. And this was something that really helped me with dealing with my ex even before I had exited the marriage. And so his whole deal was he liked to get a reaction out of me. Whether it was just for his own fun and enjoyment or he just wanted to manipulate me to behave a certain way. Whatever the reason this is just something he would do. But I remember catching on to it. Like I remember realizing that he doesn't even necessarily say He says whatever he thinks is going to get me to feel or act a what is true or even what he thinks or feels. certain way. It was all just pure manipulation. And I have a real stubborn streak in me. And so I just thought, Well, I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. So I just stopped reacting. I affected an air of boredom whenever he was trying to get a rise out of me. And I didn't even know that that was a technique at the time. I was just doing it because I didn't want him to win. But it turns out that not displaying any emotion or giving into the antics is a technique called gray rocking. The premise being that the reward they're seeking is you getting upset. Is you reacting strongly to something and so if you can just appear very disinterested and even bored with what they're saying, they will get bored and lose interest. And this is easier said than done for sure. This technique is is difficult. Because they know you. They know which buttons to push. And you're gonna feel yourself wanting to argue with them and wanting to defend yourself. And instead you're gonna have to put your best stone face on and say well you can believe whatever you want, or whatever. And a word of caution here is that when you first start doing this, it is probably going to get worse. Like they're going to kick it up a notch and try to recapture the reaction that they are after. And it's really important to keep holding the course-- disinterested, bored, no reaction. And the second caveat I would add to that is to be extra mindful of safety. These people can get really desperate and unpredictable and even dangerous when they start to feel a loss of control. And getting a reaction out of you is a form of control. And so when you take that away, they might lash out. So you need to be very mindful of safety. I mean, you should probably always have safety measures in place when you're dealing with these people, but especially when you start removing the last vestiges of their control. Only meet them in public places. Don't allow them to come to your home. Have interactions with a third party nearby. Do whatever it takes to ensure your safety. Nothing is going to be too much or too far when it comes to your safety. Don't let him or anyone else or even your own brain tell you that you're being ridiculous. Nothing is too ridiculous when it comes to your safety. It's always better to so called overreact than to under react. Always. And you can always blame it on me. If people tell you you're being extreme, just say I made you do it. You can totally blame it on me. The third thing I would suggest is having an outlet for yourself. Gray rocking isn't easy. You're going to be hiding a lot of emotion. And you're going to need ways to release that emotion on your own time. You could have a scream into a pillow ritual afterwards. You could hit the gym hard, something, anything, to release the stuff that you have to hold in when you're dealing with him. I say him but it could be any gender, statistically most likely to be a him though. I know one woman would get herself a treat after each co parent drop off exchange meeting and that really helped her just sit there and not react to him. And so she just kept thinking about how she just needed to get through this and then she would get the reward she had planned for herself. And that really worked for her she actually went from seriously dreading the Co parent exchanges to almost looking forward to them because of the treats she had planned for herself for after. All this to say, Do whatever you can to make this easier on yourself. So much of the time we get stuck in resisting reality. We tell ourselves that it shouldn't be this way or we shouldn't have to do all this just to co parent. Resisting the reality of what is will keep you stuck. It takes an enormous amount of energy and emotional labor to accomplish nothing by resisting reality. Because there are some things in this world we cannot change and other people are one of them and trying to do so you will just get exhausting. Accepting what is lets you move forward. Accepting reality means you get to make decisions about how you want to handle what is. And that doesn't mean you have to love it. It just means you aren't fighting it. It lets you consider options that will actually make life easier for you. All right, my friends. As always, if you want specific support in any of these things, you can sign up for a coaching session with me. The link is in the show notes. Until next time, be well