Drop the Bags Bitch
Drop the Bags Bitch
Brain Drama
If you've ever had thoughts like...
...I am broken beyond repair
...No one will ever want me
...I will never find love again...
...This episode is for you.
Book a session: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
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Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
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Hello, my friends. Welcome to another week. In the last week, I have seen a number of people posting in online divorce groups saying that they hate seeing couples because it reminds them that they will never have that again and I'm left wondering how they got their crystal ball. We don't know that we'll never have love or companionship again. We don't have a crystal ball. We can't see the future. If for some reason you can see the future, you need to send me the list of stocks to pick for reals. But in all seriousness, our brains love drama. The human brain seems to have this tendency to jump to the most dramatic possibility first. Right? Someone appears distracted during a conversation and we jump right to oh my god, they hate us. One person ghosts us and we're like, oh my God, no one will ever want me ever. I'm just broken and unlovable and will definitely die alone. And on the outside, when I say it like this, it's easy to see the logical fallacy and it's easy to see how extreme this is. But when you're in the shit of it, it feels so real. Our brains like to look to the past for evidence for what is possible in the future. But actually, the past has very little to do with the future. They're not related. We make it mean that because no one in the past wanted to commit to us that no one in the future will either, but you could meet the person that does want to commit tomorrow. You don't know. Maybe you are right. Maybe you're wrong. But the 100% guarantee is that it feels like shit when we're having brain drama. My brain does this all the time. I prefer to think of it as a feature rather than a bug though. Like the brain is just going to do its thing and that's fine. I don't have to give into it. I can just notice and be like oh wow, I'm being really dramatic right now. And there are some questions that you can ask yourself when you're having brain drama to try to get underneath of it. So you're going to ask yourself, what is the most boring alternative to what I am thinking? Do I have supporting facts and evidence for what I'm thinking? Do I have supporting facts and evidence for the contrary of what I'm thinking? What else could be true? And honestly, the more boring the alternative, the more likely it is to true. Life isn't nearly as dramatic as we try to make it out to be sometimes. I'll give you an example that comes up pretty frequently for me. So one of my brain's favorite dramas is to tell me that I am fundamentally unlikable. And now we can kind of see the extreme dramatic nature of this-- like I'm so fundamentally flawed that it is literally impossible for anyone to like me. Very dramatic. Very self pitying, as our dramas usually are. So I'll ask myself, do I have evidence for what I'm thinking? And I do have some and you might have some for whatever your brain drama is too. I can give very specific examples of people who have not and do not like me. But then I'll ask myself, Do I have any evidence of the contrary? And I can find evidence of that too. I can find very specific examples of people who have professed to liking me. And notice the way that I phrased that because my brain will try to tell me that those people were probably faking it. And they didn't mean it. But I don't have any solid proof of that. That is pure assumption. And assumptions cannot count as evidence. I only have that evidence of people calling me, wanting to hang out, talking to me. Right that is the only thing that I can count as evidence. And I ask myself what else could be true? The most likely scenario or, what could also be called the most boring one, is that some people like me and some people don't. That I am completely average in this and I am having a completely average human experience. I am not so special as to be so fundamentally flawed as to never be liked by anyone. No, the far more boring and likeliest alternative is that I am completely normal and my experience is completely normal. So let's take a look at the drama that so many people have about feeling that they will never find love again. The first thing they should look at is do they have supporting facts. And I think someone would probably list out all of their past failed dating and marriage experiences and try to use that as supporting facts. And I would actually say that you have to throw that out and cannot admit it into this court as evidence. Because the past does not influence the future in this way. Right. Just because you rolled a six on the dice last time does not mean that your next role is any more likely to be a six. Better supporting facts of this would be things like I do not have a dating profile. I stay at home every day and never leave the house. I never meet people. I growl and snarl at anyone who might try to show interest and talk to me. That you could use as supporting evidence. But also notice that those things are under your control. Next, I would say that they should think if they could find any evidence to the contrary. So the contrary being that they will find love and companionship again. If we look at the facts that there are 7 billion plus people on this planet, some of them are open to a relationship. There exists a possibility that one of these 7 billion some people might be open to a relationship with you. It is statistically possible. Even if you are that person that has no dating profile, and you never leave the house. You never know when one of your friends says Hmm, this other friend of mine and you will be really great together I should introduce you or you never know if someone is going to move in next door and end up being the love of your life. The possibility exists at all times. It's actually quite titillating to think of it that way. You could randomly go to the dog park and make a connection that ends up being your next big romance. And your brain can tell you that that is unlikely and maybe that is true. We haven't mathematically calculated the exact statistical likelihood of this but the possibility still exists. Next, I would also ask those people what is the most boring alternative to never finding love again that they can think of. The most boring alternative that exists I think is that you want a relationship, other people out there want a relationship and you can do things to proactively meet other people who are searching for the same thing. And can increase your chances of finding it. And that is much less dramatic and largely under their control. Sometimes some of this shit we are in is just brain drama. And we have a lot of control of how we think about ourselves and about our lives. And I think one of the most useful things that I've ever learned to do was to question my own brain. Was to not just take my thoughts at face value, but to actually poke at them and take charge of them, to decide what meaning I was going to give the events in my life on purpose, to be intentional about what I decide is possible for me or not. And this is where so much of our power lies: in our power to choose the way we are thinking about ourselves and about our lives. If you want me to take a peek in your brain and poke holes in all your bullshit brain drama, make sure you sign up for a session. The link is in the show notes. Alright, my friends until next time, be well.