Wisdom to Know the Difference

This episode talks about releasing the shame around abuse.

Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session

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Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com

Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session


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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
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Transcript

0:43

Hey my friends. So if you listened to the episode"reconnecting with yourself" a couple of weeks ago, you'll remember that I talked about someone who has made me uncomfortable at work with the way that they've been talking to me. And you'll know that I had been overriding that feeling and ignoring it. Well, I wanted to give you an update. I have filed a sexual harassment claim with HR. And that is an ongoing investigation as of right now. But the thing I really want to talk about today is how much shame I felt regarding this. Like I didn't want to do the HR investigation. I felt so ashamed to have to admit that this was even happening to me. And the only reason I did it was because my boss spent an hour and a half pleading with me to report it. And I had no intention on even telling my boss. I just happened to go in and see him and he took one look at me and was like what's wrong? And then I just broke down and ended up telling him. But it was so hard to tell him because I felt so much shame. And I was thinking about it like why am I feeling so ashamed? Like this is someone else's actions so why am I ashamed of someone else's actions? And I realized that the only reason you feel shame for someone else's actions is if on some level you blame yourself for those actions. You think that you caused those actions. And I realized that, yes, I was blaming myself. I was blaming myself for not confronting him about it. I was blaming myself for not directly saying, Stop. You're making me uncomfortable. Don't talk to me like that. Part of me was believing that if I had done things differently, the outcome would be different. That if I wasn't as nice of a person, it wouldn't happen. And I brought all this to a friend who is also a coach and she was coaching me through it. And she pointed out that we don't actually know that my doing anything different would have so called "solved" it. For all we know, it could have made it worse. It could have made him escalate things even further. I was taking responsibility for someone else's actions. When I never had any control over those actions. I can't actually make him do or not do anything. I could never make him stop. The only person who can make him stop is himself. And the thing about people who don't respect you and are doing things that they know is disrespectful, is that they don't care what you say. Doesn't matter to them. A rapist is not going to stop raping just because you said stop. Like they don't care. But I think a lot of women blame themselves when things happen to them. Even though they never had control of the other person's actions. I can remember I actually did this with my marriage too. I remember a friend that I had had since college was messaging me on Facebook. And I was completely clammed up with her. Like I was not really talking to her. I was keeping distance in the conversation because I knew that she knew me and she would know that something was wrong. And I felt so ashamed of how it was in my marriage. I was so ashamed of how I was being treated. And so I didn't want anyone to know how I was being treated. And so I put distance between us so that she wouldn't know. And that shame that I felt then was the same shame that I felt with this sexual harassment episode. It was blaming myself for how I was being treated. It was believing that it was my fault. That if I was just different ,or if I did things differently, or said things differently, that this wouldn't happen anymore. But my friends that's not true. I was never in control of my ex's actions. Sure, he liked to blame me for his actions. Toxic people always do. They're never like, I am the problem. Yes, I did those things. They always deny and shift blame. But just because they don't take responsibility for their actions means that you should take responsibility for their actions. There is nothing that you could ever do to control their actions. Like if we really had that power, we can make them do anything. You could make them walk off a cliff. We could make them stop treating us badly. But we can't. We can't make them do anything. We never could. And so my friends, it's time to let go of the blame and let go to shame. There's nothing to be ashamed of. There's no blame to be had. We talked about this in the episode of the podcast responsibility versus blame. And I recommend re listening to that episode. That's what I'm gonna be doing all week. Because this situation really brought this up for me. You know what else? When you blame yourself for these things, you start to hate yourself. I think it's normal to hate someone who hurts you. But when you're blaming yourself for it, you are turning that hatred upon yourself and it's misplaced. It's misplaced blame and misplaced hatred and it will hurt you even more. We need to start rejecting taking the blame for things we had no control over. Give that blame back to who it rightfully belongs to. I think of the AA motto or whatever it's called. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The actions of others falls squarely into the bucket of things we cannot change. But we can change ourselves. And I can change what I'm willing to take the blame for And it isn't what others do. It's only what I do. I'm only responsible for my actions, and my thoughts, and my feelings and that's what I'm going to focus on. All right, my friends thank you for being with me on this journey. If you like listening to the podcast, make sure to leave a review. It means a lot to me. Until next time, be well