Drop the Bags Bitch
Drop the Bags Bitch
A toxic flaw in our society
This episode explores a toxic flaw in our society that contributes to abusive relationships as well as how to combat it.
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
---
Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
---
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
---
Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
---
Hey my friends, welcome back to the podcast. I've noticed our culture here in the West- in the US- likes to glorify the self made. We love ourselves a person who is a self made success and I do too. I find it really inspirational. But I also think that self made isn't real, that it's kind of a myth that gets perpetuated in our culture. I don't think anyone is 100% self made. We might look at like Jeff Bezos and say he's a self made billionaire. He built that company from scratch and started out selling just books online and went from there. And that's true. But what it overlooks is who did Jeff's laundry? And I'm not kidding with that. It sounds tongue in cheek, but I'm not even kidding. Like who supported Jeff Bezos so he could go on to build a company? Because I promise you, you don't build a company while you are struggling to survive. When all you can think about is how to get your next meal, you don't build a company. Jeff can say he was self made, but it overlooks who supported him on his way, who supported him in his life with stuff like meals and laundry, and who supported his company and his dreams. At some point, he probably had investors and people financing him. He had people who believed in him on days it got hard. He's not self made. Because I can promise you that he had help. But we like to ignore that. You'll hear people proudly declare that they work hard and they didn't get no handouts, and they act like it was just them pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. And that's kind of like our American myth. And I'm not saying that people are always getting handouts, and I'm not saying that it's even good or bad to get handouts. Our culture hates handouts. But that's a whole other discussion- a whole other beast. But I do think this is a toxic aspect of our culture, perpetuating this myth that we can just make it on our own, that it is somehow better and more virtuous to do everything ourselves. And it's complete bullshit because you literally can't do everything yourself. You can't. It's too much. It was never meant to all be done alone. But we're out here trying to do everything on our own. And then we wonder what is wrong with us when we're so goddamn tired all the time. Tired in a way that never seems to lift. That, no matter how much sleep you got, it would still be there. A weight, heaviness and exhaustion and blaming ourselves for not being able to do it all and having the guilt and the shame that comes with that. It's bullshit. It's not a you problem. It's not a me problem. It's a culture problem. It's a societal disease, a flaw in the system. The mythology of the self made is a toxic aspect of our culture. The only alternative our culture seems to offer us of being totally alone is to be partnered or in a family unit. And even that isn't enough, right? You shouldn't have to be partnered to be not alone. That's ridiculous. It's another flaw in the system. Humans are social creatures. If you look at other social creatures in nature, they live in groups. You don't see them by themselves or even just in pairs. You see them at a minimum in pairs but that's the minimum. They live in groups, in herds, and packs. And I think that's how humans are meant to live too. If we were watching a National Geographic show, and we were observing humans in the wild in their natural habitat, they would be in groups and tribes. There would be a network of support. A network of working together. A network that understands that for each individual to survive, the whole group must survive. But in our modern society, we've lost that. We go home to our individual apartments and turn on the TV and wonder why we're all so goddamn depressed and anxious. And obviously, there are a lot of factors that go into clinical anxiety and depression. But I tell you what, if you get one of those pets that isn't meant to be alone, it will go insane if you do get one alone. My sister had a love bird and love birds are meant to be in groups. That's how they are in the wild. You are supposed to at least have them in a pair. And we had a single one and that bird went really fucking insane. Just saying. I think when we defy nature, it does something bad to us. I remember one of the really terrifying parts of leaving my marriage was the prospect of being alone. Like, I thought I would have no one and that was really terrifying. I mean, I knew I needed dental surgery in the future and I was like who is going to drive me to and from surgery? Like they won't let me Uber! And it was terrifying and lonely and just awful to realize that I had no one. No one who I would call on like that. And it was one of the things that made it so hard to leave. We're afraid of being alone. And that's not a flaw. We're not meant to be alone. We're not wired that way. If you feel like you don't want to be alone, it's not a you problem. It's nature. And I think the problem is when the only alternative we believe we have is being in a romantic relationship. I think we ended up getting in relationships we have no business being in just to not be alone. I think we stay longer than we should just to not be alone. And it shouldn't have to be that way. I think it's a terrible flaw of our society. And it doesn't make you weak if you find yourself doing that. It just means you are trying to fulfill a need that our society is constantly demanding that you live without fulfilling that need. So it's not your fault if it feels like shit. And I wish I had an easy answer for this. I don't. Because this isn't a me and a you problem. This is a cultural problem. I do think that we can help ourselves though, by getting back to community, by creating more community for ourselves. And this doesn't even have to look dramatic, right? We don't have to go out and build a commune. We already come into contact with people. It could be as simple as connecting to them in a more human way. And I think we can stop telling ourselves that we should be able to do everything on our own and be okay with reaching out for help. And realizing that doing so isn't weak or indicative of a personal failing. It's natural and normal. None of us are islands. We are all more connected than we like to think. But when I think of myself as self made, or as an island, I do miss how much that is not true. I can say I got myself out of my marriage all by myself. And for a certain extent that is true. I definitely, like had to do the groundwork. I had to physically leave I had to pack up my stuff. I had to not go back. But it also neglects to mention all the books I read to gather my strength written by people who had wisdom to give, my grandma who gave me a place to stay, a co worker who brought me coffee every day while I was in the shit, my coach who taught me how to stop being so mean to myself and learn to love myself, my therapist who helped process my trauma, my mom who came to stay with me for a while, my realtor who sat with me while I spent hours crying on the floor when that was not even part of her job, my lawyer who helped me keep my chihuahuas ,my boss who let me work from home when I was struggling, and I could go on and on and on. I didn't do it alone. And I would be remiss to say that I had I would miss out on seeing how much support I had and probably still do have. And so my friends, I would encourage you to look at where your support is in your life. Start looking for how much support you have. Look for the evidence that shows you that you are not alone. And if you find yourself taking stock and finding the support lacking, how can you proactively create that for yourself? One of the things I am doing to proactively create community for myself is this week I have put together an in person meetup for other coaches who are in my area. I've been a part of an online Facebook group for years full of coaches and I finally decided I'm going to put it out there and invite coaches who are in my local area to meet up. And it's not instant support system, but it's a start. It's creating the conditions to build connections with people, to build a support network. And I think doing that matters. Alright my friends something to noodle on this week. Where is your support network and how can you build more of it? Until next time, be well.