Forgiveness is Bullshit

Why I don't recommend forgiveness for abusive relationships.
What I recommend instead for greater peace and moving on.

Book a session: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session

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Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com

Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session


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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
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Transcript

0:47

Hey my friends. So I think it was last week's episode I shared how I had reached out to a online coaching group and made an in person meeting. And so I wanted to give you an update on how that went. So out of the 12 people in my area three showed up and we had coffee in a nice coffee shop and we talked about all things coaching and it was really nice to meet others with shared interests and we're gonna do it again! I'm really proud of myself because I put myself out there and I wasn't even nervous, which is like, a huge feat for me because I am like pathologically introverted, and like, I've always had major social anxiety. So this is like a huge step. For me. It's symbolic of all the work that I've done that I've been able to get to this point where I can actually lead a meetup and not even be nervous. Like, that's just crazy, like people who would have known me a few years ago and then to know that it's just like wild like that's not the same person. And that's the power of of doing this work, of working on yourself, and transforming, and becoming more confident in yourself. Things that used to be like crazy impossible become possible. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you. And now I'm going to share something rather controversial with you. And that is that I think forgiveness in relation to abusive relationships is hogwash. In fact, I think it is actually toxic to even suggest that someone forgive an abuser. I don't think it is useful to forgive them. And I don't think it is necessary or even in any way beneficial. And I'll tell you why. Because when I think of forgiveness, I think of making peace with a person. When I forgive my partner for saying something that he didn't mean, I am in essence restoring the relationship. I'm saying that everything is okay and that this event is not between us anymore. And you can't do that with an abuser. Right you can't make abuse okay. And some people try to insist that forgiveness isn't for the other person; it is for yourself. But that still doesn't do it for me because I don't think it benefits yourself ever to be like it's okay. The abuse just isn't between us anymore. Like I don't think that can ever be good for someone. Some things should be unforgivable. And abuse is one of those things. I think that you don't have to forgive someone to find peace, which is another false assumption behind people telling abuse survivors they have to forgive. You absolutely don't have to in order to move on and have peace. Not forgiving doesn't mean staying mad if you don't want to. Although I don't think there's anything wrong with staying mad either. But you get to decide what you want to do. I think the thing that actually gives you peace post abuse isn't forgiveness. I think it's acceptance. And by acceptance, I don't mean just taking whatever like I mean seeing it for what it was,seeing the truth. Seeing that this happened to you, and it was wrong. And there's no good reason for anyone to ever abuse someone else. Not childhood trauma, not mental illness, nothing. It's seeing the whole experience and all of the emotions that you have in relation to the abuse. It's letting go of the gaslighting yourself and trying to talk yourself out of your own experience. If it made you mad, it made you mad. If you carried unspeakable grief, then you carried unspeakable grief. It is removing any and all judgments from your experience and just letting this experience be what it was. I think trying to make yourself forgive can be a form of gaslighting yourself, of trying to convince yourself that you should or shouldn't feel a certain way and you have to feel a certain way in order to be a good person. Acceptance doesn't require any of that. Acceptance lets you have the truth of whatever your experience is. I think acceptance particularly helps you move on because it lets you form decisions on the future based on reality. You can look at who someone and see the truth of who they are and how they behave and can accept that and decide how you want to be with them. What role do you want them to play in your life given the truth of who they are? Acceptance cuts through the bullshit of what ifs and trying to change people. It sees who people are by their actions and uses the truth to make decisions. Acceptance is what lets you see that even though he says this time is different, he also said that many times before and nothing was different. Acceptance sees what is- not what could be and not what you wish would be. So much of our suffering in life comes from resisting reality. It comes from wishing people would just be different than how they are. Right if they were just different than we will be happy together. And I always say that when you resist reality you lose, but only 100% of the time. Resisting reality is like trying to move a mountain with your bare hands. And this is for all life. Not just relationships. My Chihuahuas are litterbox trained. And when we were living in my townhouse, we didn't have much of a yard so they were using the litter box. And when we had moved in it was winter and the perfect cadence for box cleaning was once a week. So once a week, I would clean the litter box and everything was good. Then summer rolled around, and they must have been drinking more because suddenly the box was becoming full and they were peeing on the floor. Like once the box got to a certain saturation, they were no longer willing to go in it and they were just using the floor instead. And it kept happening over and over and over again and I was getting so upset like I didn't want them to pee on the floor and I was mad at them for just not using the box. Until it finally hit me that I was resisting reality. I was trying to clean the box once a week at the Winter frequency. The reality was that in the summer the box filled more quickly and they weren't willing to go in a saturated box. I could keep resisting reality and insist on only cleaning the box once a week and keep being upset that it wasn't enough. Or I could accept the reality of it and clean the box twice a week. Those were my choices. So I made the choice to clean the box twice a week. And there was no more pee on the floor. But I wasted weeks resisting the reality of the situation and believing that I should just be able to keep doing what I had been doing. Even though the situation had very clearly changed. I was resisting the changes, resisting adapting to that change. Acceptance of the reality removed all the drama for me and it removed the urine too. And this is why I think it is acceptance that gives you the greatest peace. Acceptance lets you take what is and act accordingly. And sometimes the reality sucks. Sometimes all your options suck, but acceptance lets you make the peace with that. It doesn't require you to deny that. It keeps you in your power. It keeps you deciding what you want to do with what you have. What you want to do given the circumstances. And I think forgiveness washes over that. It washes over the suck of it sometimes. It asks for a denial of evidence and denial of pain. It asks you to shove messy feelings and painful remnants like PTSD in a box and forget about them. And I don't think denying that is beneficial and I don't think it empowers. I think acceptance empowers much more because I think part of acceptance is recognizing what you control and what you don't. Acceptance says I have PTSD now because of this and this is how I want to move forward with it. This is how I want to treat myself during it. This is how I want to support myself and you miss the love and support piece when you're in denial or when you're trying to shove it in a box. Plus, when you realize that you can only control things that are actually in your control, you have all the peace. You might not be able to control that you have PTSD, but you get to control what you do from there and how you think about it, and how you handle it. You get to make actual helpful decisions from that place. You might not like it; it might suck having PTSD. But acceptance lets you have that also. Acceptance requires no denial of your experience. It doesn't require you to like anything or try to put a positive spin on it. It lets you be authentic in your experience. So I would ask you, my friends, what in your life have you not been accepting? What are you resisting? Where are you gaslighting yourself? What do you need to accept? And let yourself answer honestly. And if you'd like to work through this together, make sure to book a session through the link in the show notes. All right. My friends until next time, be well