The Chocolate Conundrum

This episode explains why so many of us went back one or more times after initially leaving the abusive relationship.
The episode will leave you with a tangible practice to make sure that this does not happen to you again.

Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session

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Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com

Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session


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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
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Transcript

0:20

Hey my friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I think I'm really smart. And this is gonna sound like bragging for a minute, but just hear me out. I think I'm really smart. My partner is like a literal rocket scientist. He is an aerospace engineer. And I've seen that, in some ways, I'm smarter than him. I can solve problems that he can't. I'm way more creative and I can think on my feet and roll with the punches in a way that he can't. I'm really brilliant and I think I can figure anything out and solve any problem. AND every once in a while, I will decide to eat a little piece of something with dairy in it even though I know my body can't handle it. And then I will very predictably shit my pants again. I eat the dairy I shit myself. How is it that someone so smart can up and decide that? Yes, this little piece of food is worth the bloating and the gas and the shitting my pants and or the bed or whatever? And it's because of this horrible little feature of our brains. I love the human brain sometimes and I also really fucking hate it sometimes. Our brains put more emphasis on the present than the future. Our brains focus more on short term than long term. So when it comes to the eating of the dairy, the short term pleasure of the taste of a bar of white chocolate rates as worth more just because of its nearer proximity. The pain of the gas and the bloating and the diarrhea is in the future and is weighted less. That's a problem for future Melinda and current Melinda only cares about the dopamine hit from the little bit of chocolate. Whereas if the consequences of the dairy were immediate, I would probably not occasionally decide to chance it because then it would be weighted the same as the pleasure. And generally we are more predisposed to avoid pain than to seek pleasure. It's why it's also so hard to save for things like retirement. The urgency of the current eclipses the things in the future. It is harder for our brains to go that far out. The concepts become more abstract to our brains. We can like know logically on some level that we need to save for retirement, that an older version of us will need that to survive. But it's so distant and so out of touch with where we are that it becomes intangible. Whereas that concert next month is like really tangible and feels so much more accessible. It seems more important than the survival of our older selves. And I'm sure that you can think of examples in your own life as well. But what I really want you to take away from this is that if you left your marriage and went back a few times, it doesn't mean you're stupid. It means that it was some good cheese and you have a human brain. If he promised to be different and you believed him a few times, it doesn't mean you are gullible. What I know for sure is that it doesn't feel better immediately after leaving the relationship. That's when all of the messiest feelings come up. Right, the better part comes down the road. It's in that ambiguous intangible future that we just can't quite seem to fully imagine or grasp onto. But an immediate promise in the present to be different, to change, to stop the things that lead you to leave in the first place. Well, that's just so much more immediate, so much more tangible. It doesn't involve a long hard road of messy feelings. Even if you know on some level that it's fake and it's gonna get bad again, you also know that the bad is in the future. That when you go back, you will get to enjoy a few weeks or months of the so called good part of the abuse cycle. It's the future you that will have to deal with the bad part of the cycle. And the good part is the nearer part. So that's the one that gets the bigger weight. So no, it doesn't mean you're stupid. It means you have a human brain that prefers proximity to the distant future. And it always will. There isn't a hack to get around this. This is how our brains work. But I find that being aware of this feature is very helpful. Because when I know that my brain naturally gives greater weight to things that are closer in proximity, I can factor that into my decision making. I can account for that when I'm thinking about things. I can try to bring the things that are in the future into the present to evaluate them. So for example, when I'm toying with the idea of a milk chocolate bar, I can think of it in terms of if both the enjoyment and the non enjoyment were both going to happen immediately. What would I choose? And this makes it a lot clearer for me. Because when I remember to do this, I also know that, no, I would not choose the diarrhea thank you very much and I pass on the chocolate bar. Bringing multiple options into the present to evaluate them kind of cuts down on this natural occurring bias of the brain a little bit. So that's what I would invite you to try my friends in your decision making and alternative evaluating. If all scenarios played out at the same time, which one would you choose? Alright, my friends, until next time, be well