Shifting Beliefs

TW: Sexual Assault

This episode deals with the one struggle that all abuse survivors have to grapple with on their road to recovery.
It gives a concrete practice to help you move through this struggle.

Work with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session

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Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com

Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session


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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
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Transcript

0:16

Hey my friends. So if you've been listening to the podcast for the past few weeks, you will know that there is an ongoing sexual harassment investigation at my work to investigate a man who was sexually harassing me. And we've talked about this a few times, but the aspect I want to talk about today is how resistant I was initially to even reporting it. My boss had to spend an hour and a half trying to convince me to report it, to do something about it. And I kept saying to him that there was no point and that it would make it worse. And he kept asking me, how would it make it worse? He couldn't see how it could make it worse. And I didn't even have an answer really. I just felt like somehow, in ways that I couldn't imagine or predict, that it would make my life worse. That somehow I would be in trouble for this. And at some point, I realized like, yeah, of course you feel that way. When I was a freshman in college, I was sexually assaulted. And then since it was a religious school, I was then punished for that sexual assault. I was punished for my own sexual assault. Coming forward had exposed me to punishment and public shaming. And so it makes sense that now there's something in me that hesitates to come forward, that thinks that doing so will be harmful to me. And this feels very real to me. And I have evidence from my own experience to back it up. But I have also been doing mindset work long enough to know that just because something feels very real and true to me, doesn't mean that it is and just because I have past evidence of something does not mean that that will carry forward into the future. Just because I was punished for being sexually assaulted does not mean that I will be punished for reporting sexual harassment. Even though it feels that way to me. Our emotions are important, but they're not important in the way that we often think that they are. They're important because they contain important information about what is going on with us. But they are not important as sources of truth. Just because we feel a certain way does not indicate that that is capital T truth. It is important for me to recognize that coming forward is bothering me because it is reminding me of a time in the past that was really difficult. It is important for me to recognize that so that I can support myself in that, so that I can reach out for any necessary help. So that I can be there for myself in a way that is needed. What it doesn't mean is that I shouldn't report it or that I will for sure be punished for reporting it. It might feel like those things are true, but they aren't. And this is something that pretty much every abuse survivor will have to wrestle with at some point on their healing journey. Because you are going to have a bank of evidence in your brain and a lot of past experience that will tell you things like men are evil. You can't trust people. You shouldn't open up because you'll get hurt and on and on. And those things will feel very real. And you'll have very tangible past experience that you can point to as so called proof, but it will be very important to recognize that it isn't capital T truth. That just because you had a horrible experience with one person does not mean that you will have the same experience in the future. That just because your ex is a pathetic waste of oxygen does not mean that all men will be the same. And this is really difficult. I struggled a lot with this coming out of my marriage. I believed all men were evil beings that only saw women as sexual objects. And it was really easy to find supporting evidence for those beliefs. Really easy. And it felt so real to me. It felt like capital T truth. And I had to work really hard to make myself find cases where that was not true. Right? Could I find examples of men that work good? And it turns out I could. My brain resisted doing that, but I could. And the brain resistance is very normal. Anytime you attempt to crumble a core belief, you will come up against some heavy resistance. And that's normal. It also doesn't mean you should stop either. So I pushed myself to find examples that proved that not all men were bad and I made myself recite over and over and over again that some men were good. Because I wasn't attempting to lie to myself and say men are good period, because some of them aren't. But also not all of them are bad either. It wasn't as black and white as I was making it out to be. So I practiced thinking thoughts like some men are faithful. Men are human too. There might be some good men out there. I set timers on my phone to remind myself to consciously run those sentences through my mind multiple times a day. After a while something started to happen. I started to feel differently about men. Instead of hating all men as a blanket, I started to discern. I started looking at how they behaved, what they said, what their attitude was like, and make the decision good or bad from that. It stopped being so black and white. This same process can work with any existing belief that you might be carrying from your past experiences. No matter how real it feels. It is possible to shift any belief. And it's not a requirement to shift your beliefs. You can keep whatever beliefs you want. But it is worth being aware that some beliefs will lead to certain outcomes in your life. Like with my belief that all men are pigs. If I wanted to have a romantic relationship with a man in the future, that's not a belief that I could continue to hold on to. That's not a belief that would help create the life I wanted, that would help create the future I wanted. So it had to go. It had to go so I could intentionally create the life I wanted. And that made it so I could be with my now current partner. So my invitation to you here would be to take a look at the beliefs you are holding and evaluate whether they will take you where you want to go. And if not, then it is worth considering shifting them. And if you would like support with this, shifting beliefs happens to be one of my superpowers. The link to work with me will be in the show notes. Until next time, my friends be well