Codependency & Abuse

Abusers tend to select codependents because of the way codependents respond to abuse.
This episode talks about how codependent tendencies show up after leaving as well as how to manage those tendencies when they come up.

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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
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Transcript

0:31

Hey my friends! You will find when leaving a toxic relationship that they will like to throw blame at you. They will blame you for all of the problems in the relationship. They will blame you for ruining everything by leaving. They will pick you apart for so called flaws and ways that you made everything "bad." Right, they'll have emotional outbursts. And that's okay. They are entitled to their outbursts. They are entitled to their feelings into their opinions. It becomes a problem when you have the compulsion to manage other people's experiences, otherwise known as codependent behavior. When you have codependent tendencies, you can't stand anyone being upset with you or thinking things about you that you think is wrong or unfair. You feel the compulsion to correct them and make them see things your way. You want them to not have the emotions they're having. You take their outbursts personally. You take what they say personally. And it's probably what you have done throughout the relationship. Abusers tend to select people with codependent tendencies because of how codependents respond to abuse. They probably throughout the relationship lobbed their outbursts and their feelings and all their shit at you. And you dutifully cleaned it up and managed their emotions for them and tried to fix everything and make it better. While they took no responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings whatsoever, and you took all of the responsibility. This is a pretty classic dynamic. It is also very familiar to me because it is mine. I am a people pleasing codependent. Much less so than I used to be. But I still can't stand for anyone to be mad at me, to misunderstand me. It just rankles. I want to correct them. I want to fix it. I want everyone to be happy with me all the time and I want everyone to like me, or at least not to be wrong about me. And this is also an impossibility. Try as you might, you really cannot control other people. So rude, right? Like the world would just be such a better place if everyone did exactly what I wanted them to. One of the skills you have to build in recovering from a toxic relationship, really one of the skills everyone should have, but one that is especially important for those exiting toxic relationships, is how to let go. How to allow others to have the experience of their choice. When I started doing mindset work and started seeing how much choice we have in our own minds, I realized that it isn't just me that has that choice. Everyone has that choice. Everyone gets to choose what they want to believe. I can't choose for them. I can try to convince others, but at the end of the day, I can't make them. And trying to convince others and getting upset when I can't is just a colossal waste of energy. And it isn't how I really want to spend my days or my life. I was on the phone once with my mom. And it was pretty early after leaving my marriage and she said something to the effect of that I was still young enough to find someone else and have a family. And I said that I didn't think I wanted to have kids. And she said that hurts me to hear you say that. You girls, referring to my sisters and me, are one of the greatest blessings in my life and it hurts me to hear you say that you don't want that. This is an example of someone throwing

their emotions at you: 6:05

saying that your life decisions caused them pain. The thing is that my life decisions can't cause anyone pain. My life decisions are totally neutral circumstances. There are any number of opinions available to be had about them. She feels pain because of how she thinks about my decisions and what she makes it mean. The codependent in me doesn't like this. The codependent in me wants to have a fight about it, wants to convince her that it's my life and I can do what I want with it and she has no right to feel any kind of way about it. The codependent in me doesn't want her to have messy feelings about me because the codependent in me thinks that I will be happier if she doesn't. Which is also not true because her feelings don't cause my feelings. My thoughts about her feelings do. And the truth is, she has the right to think and feel any way she wants. Even about me. Even about my decisions. And in order for me not to engage in toxic behavior, I have to let her. I have to recognize her autonomy. I have to be willing to be okay with other people feeling negative emotions. It's not my place to control or manage other people's feelings. And quite frankly to try would be to engage in toxic behavior. And that's really uncomfortable for the codependent in me ,but it does get easier the more you do it. And so yes, your ex might blame you for a lot of things. They might have opinions and feelings about you that you think are just hurtful and unfair. But they are also entitled to have those thoughts and feelings. It is not your job to make that go away. It is not your job to manage their feelings. What is your job is to manage what space you are willing to hold for their thoughts and feelings. Are you willing and able to hold space for them to rail against you and have outbursts and messy feelings? And there isn't a right or wrong answer there. There just needs to be an honest answer. And if it is something you are willing and able to hold the space for, then you can hold the space for it. Kind of like you would for a toddler having a tantrum about not being able to touch the moon. And if it's not something you are willing or able to do, then you need to set a boundary there. Because as much as they're entitled to having their thoughts and feelings, they are not entitled to having you receive them. That is something only you can decide if you're willing to do. We talk a lot on here about taking control of what is in your control and letting go of the things that are outside of your control. And this is one of those things. And it's hard, I know. But it's also really necessary. Alright, my friends until next time, be well.