The Dark & Messy Part

If you are for real about developing self-love, you know it is not all about pampering. This episode delves into the dark, messy part of learning to love your whole self.

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Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
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Transcript

0:14

Hey my friends. I am made up of paradoxes. I think we all are in some ways, in a lot of ways, because I've noticed I literally have parts of myself that are conflicting. They are actively in conflict with each other. I have the part of me that is super independent and just doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Like just does not care. Just gonna do what I'm going to do and everyone else can just deal with it. I like this part. I admire this part. I think she's cool. I think she's tough. Then there is the part I call the praise slut. I fucking hate this bitch if you can't already tell by the nickname I gave her. Oh my god, someone will give her a compliment. She will just be like over the moon and just eats it up and wants to do more and more and more of what gets her praise and compliments. It sickens me. She's always chasing getting the praise. It's disgusting. And I always blamed her on childhood trauma. I'm like, Oh my God, she's there because your dad refused to ever approve of anything you did. And now the praise slut is here to be like googoo gaga over any and all praise she can get. But I don't even know if that is true. Like the praise slut has been around as long as I have memory. So I don't actually know if she is born of trauma or if she is just like part of my innate genuine self. I spent a lot of time trying to kill her though. Lots of my self development work I did as a way to get rid of her. I've been looking for ways to destroy her for years. And yet she persists. She's like a cockroach. She just won't fucking die. I brought it up with a mentor of mine recently and he said that she might not go away. It might not be about getting rid of her, but about carrying her well. And my friends I hated hearing that. I knew he was right, but I hated it. Because if I can't get rid of her, if she isn't going anywhere, then what? I have to get along with her? Work with her? Take her into consideration? I was big mad about this y'all. But I said okay, I can put down the weapons for a minute. And you know what? The praise slut might annoy the piss out of me. But she is also directly responsible for a lot of what I enjoy today. Like I have been directly benefiting from her labors while simultaneously dissing her. I've been a colossal jerk to her. Because when she gets behind something, boy it's happening. She has made absolute miracles happen. Stuff that should have been impossible become possible when she gets going. Not to mention she is single handedly responsible for all the good grades I got throughout my schooling. She carried me through undergrad, she carried me through grad school and not just carried me but like made me do really fucking well. Because she loves getting A's. So she got them. Always. She is responsible for how well I've done professionally. Like if you Google my job title I should have capped out at earning potential awhile ago, but she blew past the norms. She hustled. She went above and beyond over and over and over again. She kissed the right asses. She learned whatever skills were necessary. She made it happen. She is who keeps me showing up every day to tedious things like exercising or posting on social media for my business. This bitch keeps me going. She keeps me thriving. And I never saw that when I was at war with her. It took putting down the weapons to see her value. The thing about our traits is they aren't one dimensional. I can't get rid of the things I hate about her without also getting rid of the things I like about her. The same trait that annoys me also produces hella results that I enjoy. And this isn't fucking build-a-bear. I don't get to pick and choose when certain traits show up and when they don't. They just exist. She just is the praise slut. And yeah, it might be annoying that when she isn't on board, it isn't happening. It's like pushing a boulder up the hill. But when she is on board, it's like a rocket ship. Coming to accept this about her, about me, means that if I want to achieve something, I have to get her on board because nothing is happening without her approval. But when I'm not fighting that, it lets me work with that. It lets me work with her so I can get her what she needs in order to get on board and make shit happen. And this isn't always easy. I'm stumped right now on how to get her on board with a couple of things. I'll figure it out. But it would be real easy to be annoyed by that to see her as slowing me down. But that will be counterproductive because she is my partner in this and we have to work together. So I will figure out what she needs to get on board. Because that is how we are rolling now. I had a similar experience with anxiety. I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder years ago and I was so determined to get rid of my anxiety I wanted it gone period. I hated it and it had go. And I can't remember what prompted it now, but at some point I faced up to the question what if it never goes away? What if the anxiety is here to stay? And my friends I hated this idea. I was big mad about it. But it did make me think, well if the anxiety isn't going anywhere, then I got to learn how to manage it effectively. Then I have to learn how to live with it well. And that changed everything for me. As soon as I put the weapons down. First of all my anxiety lessened because it's like being at war with yourself is anxiety producing itself, but second and most of all, it let me take care of myself and be there for myself in ways that were actually helpful. Instead of getting mad at myself for being anxious and not being so called"Better" yet. I just made a protocol for how I handled it when I felt anxious. I became a friend to myself when I had anxiety instead of a bully. And that drastically changed my daily life. And so my friends, I would offer you to contemplate where are you at war with yourself? And what would it be like to put down the weapons? All right. My friends. Until next time, be well