Many toxic relationship survivors struggle with knowing the difference between empathy and codependence. This episode will help you clearly distinguish between the two.
Info on Melody Beattie's resources on overcoming codependence: https://www.melodybeattie.com/
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
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Many toxic relationship survivors struggle with knowing the difference between empathy and codependence. This episode will help you clearly distinguish between the two.
Info on Melody Beattie's resources on overcoming codependence: https://www.melodybeattie.com/
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
---
Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
---
Hey my friends. A lot of the toxic relationship recovery clients that I see describe themselves as very empathetic people. They describe themselves as being able to see the good in people really easily. And they think that these qualities of empathy and seeing the good in others is what makes them stay in toxic relationships. They think that it makes them give too many second chances. And I bet you some of you listening to the podcast feel that way too. But I want to make the case here that being empathetic or being able to see the good in others and tolerating mistreatment are actually not related. Correlations does not prove causation. It is possible to be an incredibly empathetic person and also have really strong boundaries about what you will allow in your life. Those two things can actually coexist really well together. And they do coexist in people with healthy relationship attachments. When my ex was in high school, he went to a boarding school. And he was absolutely tormented by the other boys in that school. He has some absolutely heart wrenching stories from that time in his life. And I feel so much empathy for that. And I can completely see how that whole experience shaped him and made him into the person he became. I can see how the reason he came to abuse me is because of his experience back then. I completely understand. I have so much empathy for the amount of pain that he must feel for that to be the case. It really is heartbreaking. And it doesn't give him the right to mistreat me. He is still a grown ass adult who is responsible for his decisions now. And I am still a grown ass adult who is responsible for what I am willing to tolerate in my life. So I can have so much empathy for his pain and the experience he has had and also not be willing to be mistreated by him. I can feel that empathy and that compassion and still say I cannot have you in my life. Me not having him in my life is having empathy for myself too. I Think where people get confused is that they look at a story like my ex's or they look at how much suffering a person has and feel like they have to fix it or save them. And that my friends is not empathy. That is codependence. Anytime you feel responsible for how someone else feels, or you feel like you need to fix someone, or save someone that is codependency. The irony of codependency is that codependents usually think that they are the way they are because they care so much. They think they are just more caring than other individuals are. But they don't care at all for themselves. They lack empathy for themselves and they do not see the good in themselves. So they're actually caring deficient. Because a non codependent person will be able to care about both themselves and other people. Whereas the codependent can only care about other people. They are actually lacking in caring whilst simultaneously telling themselves that they care too much. If I were to hear my ex's boarding school story and then feel like I need to be there while he worked through that even though he's mistreating me, because he just went through so much, and he needs support, and blah blah blah that would be being in a codependent relationship with him. It would be completely disregarding myself. It would be having zero empathy for my own suffering. And ultimately it is an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Any relationship dynamic where you are trying to take too much responsibility for someone else is going to be toxic. A healthy relationship can only exist with two people who are taking responsibility for themselves. And that doesn't mean two perfect people because no one is perfect. But it does mean people that aren't looking for a savior or looking to save someone else. It means people who take responsibility for themselves and for their own life. We can't fix people. We can't change them. We can't wait around for them to change. We can only love people as they are. And sometimes that means even when you love someone you leave them because they are hurting you. Leaving someone, staying away from someone doesn't have to mean that you hate them or don't have empathy for them. It just means that their behavior isn't good for you. My mom generally has a very negative view of me. She is deeply entrenched in the religious cult that I grew up in. The cult dictates that how I live my life now isn't good, and that I am evil. That's what she believes. That is how she approaches me right? Everything is slanted towards how I am wrong and I need to change to be what she thinks I should be. And I totally get it. I understand how her beliefs are driving her. I understand how those beliefs are causing pain. I understand that she thinks that we all won't be in heaven together because I don't live the so called the right way. I understand that. I understand that she feels pain about that. I completely empathize with that pain. And it doesn't give her the right to mistreat me. It doesn't obligate me to have to endure her negativity. I don't need that in my life. I can love her. I can empathize with her. I can understand her. And I can avoid her because how she is causes me harm. All of those things can exist together. It is not my job to fix it. It is not my job to change her mind. It is not my job to make her feel better. To do any of that would be me being codependent. It's really important that we learn how to distinguish between empathy and codependency. Because one is healthy and is usually innate to human beings, and the other is an unhealthy learned behavior. And the good news is that codependency can be unlearned. It is one of the things that many toxic relationships survivors have to unlearn. And if this is something that you are faced with having to unlearn, a good place to start might be the books written by Melody Beattie. I'll put a link in the show notes to those. Alright my friends until next time, be well.