Groomed for Abuse

 Breaking free from the effects of abuse includes breaking free from the cultures that promote it. This episode explores the cultural grooming for abuse that happens in certain areas of our society.

Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com

Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session


---
Beat Provided By https://freebeats.io
Produced By White Hot
---

Transcript

0:17

Hello my friends. Oh my God, my friends. I planted watermelon seeds from this little packet and now they're sprouting and I was just like struck this week by how fucking cool it is. I put dried up seeds that had been sitting in a package for who knows how long in some dirt with some water and they came to life-- that's just amazing. Oh my god like life is just amazing. Anyway, that was just our little aside for day because I am just in awe of how plants can grow out of seeds. I can remember one night in my marriage where my ex was mad at me about something that had happened like a while back. He had gotten mad at the time that it happened and then one day months later, he just like remembered or he got reminded of it by a YouTube video he watched. He got mad all over again. You can't make this stuff up. So because he watched this video and was reminded of this, he was mad and was in his typical fashion punishing me for it. And by punishing me I mean being nasty to me. He was giving me dirty looks. He was giving me the silent treatment except for the occasional nasty digging comment and letting me know that he was mad because of XYZ and it was all my fault. And I don't know if your experience of the silent treatment was the same as mine, but in his he liked to pretend that I didn't exist. So if I was standing in the way he would just walk through me and push me away. It was a whole thing like pretend I'm invisible. Except if I didn't seem bothered enough by it, then he would have to break his silence to say mean things. So anyway, that was what was happening on this particular night. Nothing special, pretty typical day in the life. But on that night, I was coping with it by making myself scarce. And this is in a 700 square foot apartment. So I basically banish myself to my bed and I'm just in there trying to avoid him. And I just remember sitting there in my bed and suddenly wondering if other people live like this also. Like is this normal? Do all the other women in relationships that I know have this happen to them? Like is this okay? So I started Googling it. As you do. Google knows everything right? There is a reason doctors don't like when you Google stuff. The results of my search were in favor of this type of behavior. It was mostly Christian sites which stated that it was a man's right to discipline his wife. Part of a husband's job was to be in charge of his wife, including disciplining her. The problem with Googling 'is it normal to punish your wife' is that that isn't something a normal person asks. Your typical person does not Google those words. Your typical person does not write about that. Does not talk about that. The only people who talk about it are people who are in favor of punishing wives otherwise known as Christians. So if you search it, the only thing available to come up is these sites which are in favor of wife punishing. Whenever someone asks why these women don't just leave these relationships, this is one of the things that I always think of. It's like well, have you seen the type of things that they are told? There are whole cultures of people that believe that controlling and punishing women is okay because they are less than men. There are whole cultures that groom and train women to be abused and train and groom men to be abusers. At some point in my own abuse survivor journey, I became keenly aware that Christianity and its culture promotes abuse. If you've ever seen Gothard's umbrella of protection it has Christ at the top, with the husband underneath, and the wife and children underneath the husband. People are taught that men have the authority and control of their households. They are taught that wives should submit to their husbands; they should obey their husbands and their husbands obey Christ. Towards women, there is this messaging that your husband knows better than you. You need to submit to your husband in order to be a good wife. Towards men the messaging is that it is their God given right to exert control over women; they are superior to women. All of this messaging leads to abuse. It leads to men exerting more control than is healthy. It sets the stage for gaslighting. How easy is it to question yourself when you believe that the person who is gaslighting you knows better than you? I grew up in one of these religions that promotes this same messaging. Men were on top. Men were their priesthood holders and women were there for their support. Women were less than. Women need to submit to their superiors. It trains you to be a victim. That is victim mentality being trained into you. People get real upset when I say things like this. They say that I am attacking Christianity. And to be clear, I am. They are right. I 100% am. But it deserves to be attacked. Promoting abuse should not happen, especially in an environment that so many people go to to seek safety. I think it should be especially upsetting to people who do consider themselves followers of Jesus. Like does the God you know want you to be abused? Or is that what men have taken and twisted and said what God wanted? I'm not telling anyone not to be Christian. Only you can decide what is right for you. For me, I want nothing to do with it. But I do think that no matter what, you will have to consider what you believe in versus what people tell you. Is it coming from your God or is it coming from some preacher with a power trip? is believing this thing helping your life or hurting it? What does your God want for you? I personally would mistrust anything where there's a middleman. I don't need a third party to tell me what God or Jesus or whoever wants. God or Jesus or whoever can tell me themself. But an honest conversation with yourself is deserved. And if it matters to you, speak out. I am sure it is not all Christian spaces that are toxic and abusive. But a lot of them are and we need people to speak out about that. Because those spaces are actively harming people. People are being hurt in them. I've been hurt in them and maybe you have too. It does not do to bury our heads in the sand and pretend that it isn't happening or that we can't and shouldn't criticize this aspect. So yeah, this is an upsetting thing to hear and it should be upsetting. But we can't talk about recovering from abuse without talking about this because this is a big part of it. And so my friends, if you haven't already had that honest conversation with yourself, I would encourage you to do so. And whatever outcome you arrive at from that conversation, whatever you decide is right for you, Know that I am in your corner. Alright my friends until next time, be well.