Inner Child Healing

This episode gives a highly effective template for doing your own inner child healing work. 

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Transcript

0:17

Hey my friends welcome back to the podcast. I want to tell you about something that happened to me last week, because I think it will really help illustrate a useful healing technique. So I had kind of got stuck in a memory. It was a childhood memory that had come up and it was just, it just really wouldn't let me go. I was feeling all the hurt from it like it was still happening. So as a child, my sister and I took violin lessons. And we were forced to give violin concerts periodically for the extended family. And I hated doing it because the only reason they wanted us to do it was so they could make fun of us. And it was my mom, my grandpa, and my uncle that did this. My grandma was there, but she would stay silent. So we would play something and then they would make jokes at our expense and say things about how awful it was and they would all laugh. It was bullying. Like it was a group of adults taking the opportunity to bully children and this was their idea of a good time. My opinion always was if they hated it so much, why make us play for them? Why not just not listen to it, right? In my child brain, it was just completely illogical, what they were doing. But I missed that that was the point. Making fun of us struggling through a song was their idea of fun. The reason this memory came up is because I had a panic attack in my Krav Maga class. We were learning a pinning against the wall with an object defense. The pinning defenses always put me a little bit on edge. It hits a little close to home for me because my ex loved to pin me. That was one of his favorite coercion techniques-- to not let me up until I gave in to whatever he wanted. So it's a little agitating for me to begin with these pinning exercises. But then I was partnered with a woman that I've never partnered with before. And she's been doing it a long time and she just like went full strength on me. And I wasn't expecting that. So It startled me. Like a lot. I didn't get hurt, but I was just very startled and it just sent me over the edge and I ended up having a panic attack right in the middle of class. And everyone was really nice about it. I was treated with kindness and respect. My friends it weirded me the fuck out. Here I was having a vulnerable moment and no one laughed at me. No one took advantage of that. No one was mean about it. And it made me feel super weird. I was like I don't know what to do this. I don't have a script for this. And while I was kind of hanging out with that weirdness, this memory of my childhood violin concerts came up. And I was like, oh my god, I get it now. In the environment I grew up in people were mean. If you were vulnerable, you would definitely be attacked for that, or at least make fun of. People went out of their way to make fun of me. My family went out of their way to make fun of my violin playing. They went out of their way to insist that I play for them. And threatened to not continue lessons if I didn't. They went out of their way to all gather and sit on the couch. They went out of their way to come up with new jokes to make that weren't really jokes at all. They went out of their way to all laugh at the same time. Growing up in an environment like that is no wonder that I expect people to be mean. And so I was kind of just in the pain of that, of just having the memory of the pain that I felt then as a child, but then also the pain of like only as an adult realizing that that was fucked up. My younger cousin who is 14 plays violin and I can't imagine doing that to her. Like I would not. At all. I just feel so wrong and icky to even think about it. Like not even on my worst days would I do something like that. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. And so there was pain for me, a lot of it. And it was just there. For days. My inner child was hurting. I was trying to tell myself like, well, you're not that little kid anymore. And I was like, That's right. I'm not. And I had the idea to think of if I had been an adult in that room sitting on that couch, what would I have said to the little me playing her violin? So I did that. I imagined me now sitting on that couch listening to little me play the violin. And I told her Yeah, Danny Boy was my favorite. Can you play it again? I can tell you have been practicing because I can tell you are getting better and better. You're doing a really good job. Keep up the good work. And then I thought what would little me have thought of that? So in my imagination, I switched to her. And oh, she ate it up. She loved it. She loved being recognized for the effort she put in. She was more motivated than ever to practice more. She felt proud of what she had done. And right at that moment, all the pain I had been in, vanished. Poof, gone. And in its place a deep peace. It was like that little girl needed something and once she got it she let me go. She's at peace now. Turns out all she needed was love. So simple. Sometimes when we get taken by a memory like that it's so easy to start griping at ourselves and treating ourselves badly like others may have treated us badly. We say things like this doesn't make any fucking sense. You're not even a kid anymore. Pull yourself together. Get over it. It was a long time ago. You're so fucking sensitive or whatever. I know because that is how I have handled it in the past. And my friends it does not solve anything. Because that wounded inner child needs love and telling yourself shit like that isn't love. Giving the inner child the love she needed is what solved it. The memory, the pain, all of it released immediately when I could love on that inner child and I have been so much lighter ever since. I share that with you because I think that is a really good template for how to handle those memories and for how to handle inner child stuff. It was incredibly effective. It's how I'm going to be handling any and every spicy memory from now on. And I want to offer it as an option for you to try as well. I think there were two main takeaways for me from this experience. One is this incredibly effective way of handling inner child healing. I hope you will try it and write to me and let me know how it goes. The other was the firm realization that not everyone is a monster. I grew up around monsters. I know monsters really well. I can spot a monster no problem because for most of my life monsters were all I knew. But not everyone is a monster. I know that because I can have a vulnerable moment in a room full of basically strangers and not only does no one hurt me, but everyone in that room responded with kindness and respect. There were no monsters in that room. Not everyone is a monster and I can find the ones that aren't and I know how to recognize the ones that are. All right, my friends. Until next time, be well.