Standing Up For Yourself

TW: rape

This episode will help you to stand up for yourself no matter what. 

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Transcript

0:19

Hey my friends. So last week I went to my krav maga class and we were working on these front kicks. I was partnered with this girl. I've partnered with her before a couple of times, so I'm holding the pad for her to practice the kick on. And she kicks a few times and then she asks me if she can kick harder. And I tell her no, because I felt like I was at about all that I could stand power wise. But then she proceeded to kick harder anyway. And I went flying across the room. I didn't get injured, but it was by sheer dumb luck. I managed to catch myself and stop myself from ending up on my ass. My knee didn't like it, but when it was all said and done, I was okay. I got lucky, I guess. Because there was a big size difference between us right? This girl is big. She's bigger than most of the men in there. Like she's tall and muscular. She's just big. And I'm a very tiny person. So I'm very grateful I didn't get injured because I very easily could have been. And I was furious. Like seeing red, breathing fire mad. I don't know how to express to you just how mad I was. I was just like a whole other level mad. I didn't quite know why I was mad at first. Like I wasn't hurt. I was fine. I tried to tell myself that I was fine, but I was just filled with this boiling hot rage. And it took me nearly 24 hours to finally understand why I was mad. I had to sit with that anger that long just to figure it out. I was mad because I felt violated. She asked if she could go harder and I said no. And she did it anyway. She violated my consent. I did not consent to being kicked that hard. And once I figured it out, I was like oh my god, no wonder I'm upset. That's pretty triggering. Especially for someone like me who has had past trauma around the violation of consent. It's like triggering the old trauma of when a past boyfriend had sex with me even when I said no. That override or that disregarding of the 'no' feels pretty awful. It feels like you have no autonomy over your own body. It feels like a violation. It feels all kinds of awful. So I decided I would talk with the instructor about what happened. He was there; he saw me go flying, but he didn't know what had transpired between us and how I had told her not to kick harder and she did anyway. So I decided to let him know and that I wasn't going to be silent about this. I was going to take a stand for myself. And I want you to know that this was not an easy thing for me to do. I felt pretty terrified going in there to talk to him. I was literally shaking when I went to talk to him. And my brain kept trying to tell me to stop being so extra, that it wasn't a big deal. Because that's what happens when you aren't used to sticking up for yourself. And I want to make sure I talk about this because so often when people start to try and set boundaries or advocate for themselves, it feels fucking awful. They feel like a bad person, like a villain. And that's actually normal. When you are so used to just taking abuse, not taking it anymore feels like you are doing something wrong and bad. And just because it feels like ass doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. Like setting boundaries or advocating for yourself are really uncomfortable when you first start doing them. And that doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong or that you shouldn't do it. It just means it's something you aren't used to and you have to build up the muscle for it. Just like if you were to start doing push ups, it would be really hard to crank out 50 Push Ups if you haven't built the muscle for it. It takes time and practice to get good at it. And get to where it isn't so hard. Standing up for myself and advocating for myself are newer practices for me I've only been doing them for a few years whereas I have had decades of experience of not doing it and just taking whatever abuse or shit was thrown at me. So it is scary for me. And my brain did not like it and wanted me not to do it. And tried to talk me out of it. But I knew that it was the right thing to do. I knew that advocating for myself is something that I want to do. I know that that is the person that I want to be. So that's what I did. I went a little bit early to class the next day and I found that instructor. He's also the owner of the place so he just felt like he was the right person to talk to. So I went to him and I told him Hey, you remember yesterday when I went flying across the room? And I told him what happened about how I had said No Don't kick harder and she did anyway and I told them about how I felt how I felt violated. And I said that I was not willing to partner with that girl anymore and this is why. And my friends his response was so disappointing. He started making excuses for her. Like maybe she had an off day. English isn't her first language so maybe she didn't understand. We need to give her the benefit of the doubt. And I was kind of shocked by this because I expected him of all people to understand the importance of consent. We are literally learning in class how to defend ourselves against assault. And what is assault? It is being touched without your consent. And I pushed back against him a little like asking him you think because English is her second language she doesn't understand the word no? And then I just reiterated, you know, whatever. I'm not willing to partner with her and this is why and I need you to know why. And I left it at that. And then I was furious at him for his response. I would have expected him to have a conversation with her, but to sit there and make excuses for why it's okay to violate someone's consent is just so fucked up. And so I was big mad all over again. I think it is important to share this because it won't always go well. When you set boundaries or advocate for yourself, other people will not always react well. And that sucks. But it does happen. And when it does, it is important for you to have your own back. You can't always make yourself matter to other people. It's nice when we matter to other people, well, that isn't always going to happen. And we can't make other people care about our happens to us. But we can always matter to ourselves. I can't make the instructor treat this like it mattered, but I can treat it like it mattered. It can be enough that I matter to me. I am so proud of myself for speaking up. Even if it didn't go well. I'm so so proud of myself for doing it. I know how hard it was for me. I know how scared I was. I know how I don't have the best past experiences with speaking up about things. But I did it anyway. Because I wasn't willing to act like I don't matter. Because I'm committed to advocating for myself and I'm so proud of that. And I have a plan for how I will handle things going forward. Because it's up to me to take care of me-- no one else is going to. I have to protect myself. And I decided that I still want to go to the classes. I think what I'm learning there is valuable and I like the exercise and I don't feel like they should get to take that away from me. So I'm going to keep going and I'm going to stick to my guns of not partnering with that girl no matter what. And being very open and honest about why I'm not willing to partner with her. Because given the response of the instructor, I can't depend on him to look out for me. And he probably isn't going to let the other instructors know so it's going to be up to me to continuously look out for myself regarding this matter. And I fucking hate that because it is hard. I get so anxious thinking about having to stand up for myself like this all the time. But I got to do it. And ironically, this is going to be such great practice for me. Like, I was going to these classes in the first place to feel more empowered and I ended up having to practice this skill of sticking up for myself so much more than I ever anticipated. So I hate it and it sucks donkey balls, but ultimately being able to practice standing up for myself so much is going to work in my benefit. And I also want to iterate here that consent matters. Even if there are men out there who don't think it does, it does. Consent matters in all things. Consent is the difference between having a good time with someone and rape. Consent is the difference between having someone over to your house and a home invasion. Consent is the difference between practicing a kicking skill and being assaulted. Consent always matters in everything. When you've been in an abusive relationship, one of the things they take away is your autonomy or your consent. There was no telling my ex no. He did and said what he wanted when he wanted and I felt very powerless in that relationship. I was a victim and that is why it is all the more important to me now to stand up for myself. Because I don't want to continue to live like a victim outside of that relationship. I can say no now. I can stand up for myself. So I'm going to no matter what. And even in times like this, when the outcome still wasn't desirable, it still felt better to stand up for myself than to not. Like even though I was mad about the instructors response, I was still less mad than I had been before I went and had the conversation with him. Because standing up for myself made it feel like it mattered. And that helped me feel less mad. I still feel disappointed. My point of view has changed. I no longer respect that instructor as much. I'm not as enthusiastic as I once was about going to class. I think it will get better with time. I've had to realize that it isn't as safe there as I once thought it was. And that mental reshuffling hurts a little. That's part of life. It is my hope my friends, that you will stand up for yourselves and that you will set boundaries. And I hope you will not get discouraged by the times that it doesn't work out in the ways that you hoped. I hope that you will take control of the things that you can and make the most of the power that you do have. And I hope you remember that I think that you matter. So even if you find yourself in a situation like this one, feeling like no one cares about what happens to you, I hope you will remember that I think you matter and I think what happens to you matters. And I hope you do matter to you. Alright my friends until next time, be well.