Protection

The key to no longer having your own mood or well-being influenced by other people's. 

Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com

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Transcript

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Hey, my friends, I saw this reel on Instagram the other day asking domestic violence survivors what was the most random thing that their ex had gotten angry at them for. And the point was kind of to highlight the fact that it really does have nothing to do with you, like they're literally just psycho. And there were some really interesting ones. Like one said he got mad at her for talking to the moon. Another got mad because she made scrambled eggs wrong. Another got mad because she went with her parents to a restaurant. I had to think for a moment about mine, because I knew he got mad about random shit. I remember he got mad at me once for taking my dog for a walk in the park. He got mad once because I went to my grandma's to help her do yard work. He got mad at me for wearing a t shirt once. He got mad at me because he watched a YouTube video he didn't like. Y'all should put yours in the comments of the episode, because it really is fascinating to see how common this experience is. It's basically like giant toddlers getting mad about anything and everything anything. Anyhoo. A few weeks ago, my partner was on the phone with his brother and his brother's family: his wife and most of his kids. My partner was outside doing chores while talking to them, and then he came in and put the phone on speakerphone so that I could be a part of the conversation. And he said that they were telling him about an animal that they found in their yard. And his sister in law launches into the gory details of what is left of this small cat or dog they found in the yard. And he looked over at me, and then he's like, we don't need all the details, you know, trying to get her to stop. She didn't stop. And I took the level of detail that she went into personally. She knows I have small dogs that are like children to me. And I have history with her before where I've felt she's been like underhanded and catty towards me before. So I felt that the level of detail was directed maliciously towards me. Whether it was or not, who knows. But I took it as, like a personal attack, like it was her being a bitch. So I go to bed and my partner continues on with this phone call, and I'm just fucking pissed. So the next morning, I talked to him about it, and I was like, I thought he should have ended the conversation when she was a bitch to me. Like I wanted him to have my back and protect me. And he didn't think I was or didn't know I was being attacked. And in his mind, he did stand up for me by telling her that we didn't need all the details, and I'm just like, it's not enough. You shouldn't have carried on the conversation like it didn't matter that she was a bitch to me. It was a whole thing. I ended up taking it to a session with my therapist because I thought I could use a gut check, because I know that I tend to interpret things negatively. I know this about myself. When you've spent so long around and with people that are always so nasty to you, you come to expect nastiness. I've seen that I do that. I automatically assume people are going to be nasty to me, or if there's any ambiguity in their intentions, I assume the worst. I do that. I know I do. So I'm like Okay, I'll tell the therapist what happened, and I trust that she'll tell me if, if I'm out of line here. There were two takeaways that I came away with, and I want to share with you here, because I think they might be helpful to you as well. The first takeaway was that I can't know my sister in law's intentions. Some people are not very self aware. So it might not have been malicious. She might have been processing something that was a little traumatic for her, and thought we or I would understand how traumatic it was. It's also understandable that I am the way that I am. There are deliberately malicious people out there, and I've encountered quite a few. But not everyone is and it's important to remember that sometimes people are just dumb or unaware or just not thinking of anyone but themselves, and there isn't targeted attack there. The second takeaway, and the biggest one, was that I had absconded my responsibility to look out for myself. I wanted my partner to do it for me. In my head, I thought that, since it's his family, he should look out for me. So I didn't look out for myself. I didn't say anything to her. I waited for him to do it, and he did, but not in the way that I wanted. I had a very specific thing that I wanted from him, that I did not tell him that I wanted, but I expected him to give me, and that wasn't fair. I want to be protected by my partner. I want him to defend me with gusto if I'm being attacked or if I feel attacked. I want that so badly, and it's okay for me to long for that. It's ok for me to ask him for that. But to expect that, is majorly unfair. It's not his job. Sure, it's something that I can ask him for, but in a way that it's more of a nice to have, because it isn't his responsibility to look out for me. It's my job. I was trying to outsource it to him. Y'all. I was so irritated when my therapist pointed that out to me, because I knew she was right and I hated that she was right, because damn it I want him to defend me. I don't want to do it myself. But that's not the way being an adult works. It's my job, my responsibility, to look out for me, no one else's. My therapist theorized that I have this big old hole in my heart where I should have been protected as a child and wasn't. So now I have, like this craving for that. It's a parent's job to protect their children, but adults are supposed to protect themselves. I know how to do this. I know how to speak up for myself. I know how to set boundaries, and I have to keep remembering that it's my responsibility to do that, and not my partner's. I think it is easy sometimes to give up the responsibility for our feelings to those we are closest to. It's like if you only feel loved if you are in a romantic relationship, you are giving the responsibility of your feeling loved to someone else. Or if you can only be happy if the other person is also happy, then you are giving up responsibility for your own emotions and trying to make the other person be responsible for them. Anytime we give up the responsibility for ourselves, it always ends badly. Or at least it means that you aren't always going to get the outcome that you want. Because you're giving the job that is to be yours to someone else. It is my job to protect myself. It is my job to manage my emotions. It is my job to make myself feel loved or happy. I am responsible for me. Everyone is responsible for themselves. We can certainly help each other. We can ask things of each other, but that ultimate responsibility is up to us, and that can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I talk about responsibility on here all the time. I'm always trying to take responsibility for myself, and I am also continually humbled by how much effort I still have to make. It truly is a lifelong project. We're all just works in progress, getting a little bit better each day. And I really am grateful to be doing this journey with you, my friends. Alright my friends, until next time. be well.