A Cautionary Tale

A tip in order to maintain your sanity if you have to co-parent with a toxic ex. 

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Transcript

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Hey, my friends. At one point in my marriage, I was trying to pick up a new skill because I wanted to uplevel my career. So I was doing all these free videos online that explained concepts and then let you practice with hands on labs. I was starting to get the hang of it, and I was scoring really good on the little practice quizzes, and I was feeling really proud of myself. I was feeling like, Yeah, I'm gonna be able to do this. So I'm doing these practice quizzes and videos one night, and I told my ex about it, and he proceeded to then make fun of it, and to say that doing these stupid little videos doesn't matter and it isn't gonna make a difference. And it felt really disheartening. I actually asked him later why he had said that to me, and he just kind of shrugged and said it was late and he wanted to go to bed and he wanted me to go to bed so he said that so I would stop doing the videos and go to bed. It took me years to figure out that he didn't communicate to communicate like how regular people do. He said and did things purely to try and get a certain outcome. He wanted me to do a certain thing, and so he would say whatever he thought would manipulate me to do what he wanted. And I want to talk about that, because, while I am lucky enough to never have to interact with my ex anymore, I know that that is not the reality for a lot of y'all. A lot of y'all end up having to co parent with your ex and have to have interactions with them. And I think it's important to remember this fact about these abusers, that what they say a lot of the time isn't true. They aren't communicating with you to understand you or to be understood. They aren't communicating to achieve a joint goal. They're communicating to achieve an outcome that they want, to manipulate people into behaving the way that they want. It took me years to figure that out about my ex, but once I did, it was so powerful for me because it became a lot harder for him to manipulate me once I started asking myself why he was saying this to me, like, what was he trying to get me to do. After I had left him, he got a puppy. At that point I was still stupidly trying to be friends with him, and so sometimes I would look after his puppy when he had to travel for work. He kept saying that if I wasn't around, he probably couldn't keep the puppy. He would probably have to surrender her to the shelter. And so I asked myself what he was wanting to accomplish by saying that to me. And it seemed like a pretty obvious attempt to try to guilt me into staying in contact with him. Like, oh, if you go away, this poor little puppy is going to end up in the shelter and might get put down. He knew I have a soft spot for dogs. I ended up distancing myself from him anyways, and he did not get rid of the puppy. He was able to find care for the dog when he had to travel for work. It wasn't the big issue that he tried to make it seem like it was. He said that to me to try to manipulate me, not because it was true. Everything that ever came out of his mouth was designed to manipulate and not just me, either. He would do it to other people too. Like he was a Democrat, but he would pretend to be a Republican at work so he could pretend to have more in common with the people who he wanted to be on their good side. He was really good at schmoozing his way to the top at work, and so he pretended all the time to be something that he wasn't in order to make people like him. He used to pretend to be caring towards my grandma too. She just adored him like she thought he was great. In private, he would say that things like he didn't care, but that she was old and he was hoping for an inheritance, so he was just being nice to her for that. Everything he did, everything he said, the way he treated people, who he presented himself to be, was always to achieve a certain end. There was nothing genuine, ever. That's how abusers work. That's why other people can literally think they are so great all the time, all the while they're treating you like shit at home. Because they are master manipulators. That is important to always remember if you have to deal with them. With them, you can't let your guard down. You always have to be asking yourself, what are they trying to get you to do? And are you going to give it to them? And remember that most of what they say isn't true. Truth doesn't matter to them. They'll start saying one thing, and then when it doesn't produce the outcome they want, they'll just switch and start claiming the exact opposite. Sometimes they'll say or do hurtful things, simply because that's the outcome they're looking for, is for you to be hurt, or to be reactive, or to try to make you look or feel crazy. And I want to give you this to hold on to that it isn't reflective of you. It's just manipulation on their part. And you can keep that in mind and be on to them. Don't take what they say at face value. Remember that there's always an ulterior motive. And if you can figure out what that motive is, you will be in the position of power. All right, my friends. Until next time, be well.