The Short List for Healing

I don't like condensing something as complex as healing into something trite like a "Top 3 Steps", but if you had to focus your efforts on something, these are the top 3 things I would recommend for healing from a toxic relationship. 

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Transcript

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Hey, my friends. So one of the things I get asked for a lot is like a short list for toxic relationship recovery. And so I've decided to make one, and it's really hard to narrow it down to a short list, but I think the things that I think are the most essential for toxic relationship survivors when they want to start their healing process. So I've put together my short list. I think it is very important for toxic relationship survivors to learn a new skill. And it could be anything. It could even be like working on holding a plank for longer and longer. Or learning pottery, anything, literally anything, just has to be something new. We put kids in extracurricular activities to build their confidence. And I think extracurricular activities is one of those things that toxic relationship survivors need to put themselves in to boost their confidence as well. It really gives you something tangible to hold on to, when you can watch yourself improve at something, when you can see yourself making progress and figuring something out. There is a pride that comes from being able to do something that you didn't used to be able to do. Becoming skillful at something is a source of joy for lots of people. One of the things that I do after leaving my marriage was cook. He always cooked. People always used to tell me I was so lucky when they found out he did all the cooking. He did all the cooking because he said I was a horrible cook and couldn't do it. So I learned to cook after I got out, mostly out of spite. And it turns out cooking is just another skill like any other. No one is born knowing how to cook. No one is innately good at it. And now I make really delicious food. And as I've done more and more, I get a better sense of how things go together, and I don't always need to follow a recipe. I can ad lib and make things have my own personal flair. I also started doing Pilates, and that was really rewarding to notice after a couple months of doing it, that I was getting better at it. I was getting stronger. I was able to hold poses longer and do harder versions and less modifications. It made me feel really proud. I think that is a really important thing to nurture after you've been in a relationship that's brought you so low. Learning a new skill and getting in touch with just how capable you are is really healing. It helps you believe in yourself again. The second thing I think is really important is doing thought work. For me, thought work goes right along with feeling work. Learning how to feel the sensations in your body and identify which emotion it is. Learning how to describe the sensations you feel when you're having an emotion and just allowing those feelings to be. And then identifying the thought, or thoughts, that is driving the feeling. All of our feelings are caused by our thoughts, and being able to tap into and identify which thoughts I am having that are contributing to my feeling bad, and then working to change those thoughts has probably been one of the biggest factors in my own healing. Because you can't feel better if you are thinking terrible things about yourself. You just can't. You have to be able to do the thought work to think in ways that help you feel good. And I'm not talking about that stupid thing people do where they pretend like it's good vibes only and you force yourself to think positive. It's not about denying anything or denying, you know, denying reality. It's about changing the core beliefs that you have about yourself. It's about changing your sense of possibility, not never being negative. Trust Me, I'm negative all the time, but I've changed what I believe about myself and what is possible for me, and that is what makes all the difference in the world. I could not have done it without therapy and coaching. I think this is one step that, at least initially, requires outside help, and then a journal. A lot of journals. Journals have been really great tools for me to use in my thought work and my digging in to really uncover what what's going on under the hood. There are a lot of episodes of the podcast that dive deeper into into these specific topics, for helping with learning to process emotions and do thought work. The next thing I think is really important is being around the right people. I wouldn't say that I have any friends right now. I have people I interact with in different groups that I belong to. But the people in those groups are really great. When I'm interacting with them, they are always giving me the benefit of the doubt. If there's any vagueness in my intentions, they assume the best of me, always. At first it was weird for me, because I wasn't used to that. I was used to being looked at in the worst light always. But the more I am around people like that, the more normal it gets to be. So now, when I do something like talk to my mom, who isn't like that, I notice how she assumes the worst of me in everything. I noticed the condescension in how she approaches me. I never used to notice that. It was just normal to me. Being around people who treat me like I'm a good human being worthy of love and respect, has made anything less than that stand out. I think it is important for toxic relationship survivors to find people who will treat them right. And it will probably feel awkward at first. When you are used to being treated badly, when someone treats you well, it can feel like a trap or something. But it has been really valuable for me to spend time around people who interact with me on the foundation that I'm a valuable person who deserves love and respect. That has made a huge difference for me. It's almost like it was the reverse of an abusive relationship. Where an abusive relationship gradually degrades your self-esteem, a good relationships gradually builds up your self esteem. Which is why I highly recommend survivors spend time cultivating a circle of people that will love this shit out of them, no matter who that is and what that looks like like. As I said, for me, it doesn't look like traditional friendships or what I typically think of friendship as. For me, it looks like a group of people with a common interest that get together and respect the hell out of each other. And I am grateful to have found that. Everyone needs at least one person like that, and it can be anyone, right? This doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. Everyone needs at least one person like that. It can be anyone. Maybe that one person is your coach or therapist --that counts. You just need to spend time around someone or someone's who see the best in you always, it's very healing to do so. And I keep saying it can be anyone because I don't want you to get hung up thinking that it has to be a romantic relationship. Yes, if you are in a romantic relationship, it should be based on this sort of foundation, but it does not have to be the one relationship that is your go to for support, right? I just want to make that clear. And that's my top three, my friends, I don't like trying to condense something as complex as healing into something trite, like the top three steps or whatever. But if you had to prioritize actions for healing, these are the ones that do. I think these three would take you really far in your healing journey, and would for sure, be life altering in the best way possible. And if you need help on either number two or number three, use the link in the show notes to book a session with me. I'm always down for doing some thought work and seeing the best in you. I love you, my friends. Until next time. Be well.