No Regrets

This episode talks about regret free decision making and moving past fear based decisions. 

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Transcript

0:16

Hey, my friends, as many of you know, when I first left my marriage, I went and stayed with my grandma for a while. And while I was there, I knew that I 100% wanted a divorce. But for a while, I couldn't bring myself to actually say that and pursue one. I spent at least a week pretending to consider whether I was going to get a divorce or not, just to procrastinate having to actually tell my husband that I wanted one. Like I dragged him along this pretend thing of me debating myself on whether or not to pursue a divorce, knowing all the while that I definitely wanted one. I was just chicken shit to say it out loud. It's kind of hilarious when I think about it right now. And so I spent that time not debating whether or not I was going to do it, but rather crafting the absolute perfect declaration of my intent. It was just a procrastination tool. Or like, somehow I convinced myself that if I had the perfectly worded declaration, then it wouldn't be bad, or scary, or he wouldn't have a reaction. So I did. I crafted this whole written paragraph, I actually still have it on my phone. And then I had my grandma read it over, and I was like, What do you think? Does this sound all right? Until finally sending it via text message and then hiding under a blanket and freaking out because I actually said what I wanted. There were a couple of reasons that I found this so terrifying. First of all, telling someone who has a history of erupting something that you know they aren't going to like, is scary. Like I wasn't sure how he was going to react or what he was gonna do, and that was terrifying. Like I definitely felt that he was on his best behavior when he was thinking that maybe he could get me back. But once I take that away, then what? That was scary. And it was also scary because I was terrified of making a mistake that I would regret. I was scared that leaving would end up being a mistake. When I look back, I can see how ridiculous that is, but at the time, it was very legitimate to me. I couldn't envision a life for me that was good at that time. I only could see suffering for myself. And I was scared that the suffering would be worse outside of the marriage than it was in it. I was scared that I would leave and then everything would be worse, and I would wish I had stayed. That's what I was afraid of. What I know now, that I wish I could impart to the me then, and which I will now tell you, is that regret is optional. Regret is a feeling that is caused by the way you think about something. We feel afraid that we are going to do something and not like the outcome and then regret it. Essentially, what that is, though, is beating yourself up for not being omniscient. And you do not have to do that. We don't know the future. Nobody does. We all make decisions all of the time based off the information that we currently have. Sometimes we get new information and that new information changes the decision we want to make. But even if you get new information that negates or changes your mind about a decision you made, it doesn't mean that your original decision was a bad one. Something I was taught in grad school is that whether a decision was a good decision or not is not determined by the outcome. Because the outcome is unknown. A decision is good or not based off of the reasoning and the information it was based off of. So you can make a good decision based off of healthy reasoning and information and still have a terrible outcome. You can also make a terrible decision and just by chance get a wonderful outcome. This is where uncertainty comes into play, because there is always uncertainty. There is always unknowns. You can't ever know an outcome before it happens. If you knew something was going to end up terribly, you wouldn't do it. But you don't know the outcome before it happens. Sometimes we look back and we're like, Oh, I could see that coming, but that is still hindsight. That is still your brain now having all of the pieces of the puzzle and linking them up conveniently after the fact. No one knows for certain what is going to happen before it happens. I say regret is optional, because I have found that as long as you know that you made a good decision at the time that you made it, and by good decision, I mean if you liked your reasons for making the decision, if you base the decision off of the information that you had at the time, then you can rest easy in knowing that you made a good decision. It might not have worked out the way you wanted, but it was still a good decision. There's nothing to regret there. To regret that would be to blame yourself for not being able to see into the future, and that's kind of ridiculous when you think about it. And just really not necessary. Now, if you make a bad decision with reasons you don't like that goes against the information that you have, usually this happens for emotional, fear based reasons, then there probably will be regret. As you will know, you made a bad decision. Most people only will feel regret here, though, if they don't like the outcome. Most people will make a terrible decision, but unless the outcome is bad, they don't regret that terrible decision making. I think it's important, though, to separate in our minds good decision making from outcomes. If you don't like an outcome, then you don't like an outcome. You didn't necessarily choose that outcome either. We don't choose our outcomes because the outcomes are always unknown because of that degree of uncertainty that just is in the world. So the next time you find yourself not liking the outcome of a decision, instead of beating yourself up for not having a crystal ball, I would invite you to look instead at your decision making process. Was your process solid? What was the information you had at the time you made the decision? Did the decision make sense based off of the information you had at the time that you made it? If your decision making process was solid, there's nothing to regret. You made a choice and it unfortunately didn't pan out the way you wanted. It happens. And if your decision making process wasn't sound, it is an opportunity to improve your decision making process so that you can make better decisions in the future. So that no matter the outcome, you can feel solid in your ability to make a good decision, and you can enjoy the peace that that knowledge brings. So to recap, outcomes have nothing to do with good decisions. There is a factor of uncertainty in all things that renders those two things separate. Ask yourself, What are my reasons for making this decision? Do I like those reasons? What information am I basing this decision off of? Is there any information that I am missing, that I could obtain, that is needed to make this decision? If you can come to solid answers to those questions and base your decisions off of information and reasons that you like, there is no need to ever regret a decision. All right, my friends. Until next time, be well.