Focusing On Yourself

Why focusing on yourself is not only not selfish, but also benefits everyone around you. 

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Transcript

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Hey, my friends. I was scrolling the socials the other day and I saw someone post something saying that people telling you to focus on yourself is demon talk. And this made me snort, because that is just a wild thing to say. But I've heard variations of it all the time, usually in Christian circles. And I want to talk about this a little bit, because as women, we tend to get socialized to believe some version of this. I know I've believed a version of this before: this idea that focusing on yourself is selfish or bad, or in the case of this post, straight up evil. I would ask anyone who believes this, if they think it's selfish or bad or evil, to brush your teeth. Isn't brushing your teeth focusing on yourself? Isn't going to the doctor? Isn't eating food? These are all things that focus on ourselves. You focus on yourself every time you decide you're hungry and you reach for a snack. Oh, but that's not what they mean when they say things like that. No, they mean don't focus on things that tend to your emotional or mental health. Don't listen to your dreams, don't learn your dislikes and likes. Don't be a unique individual. Follow the prescribed path that someone else has told you you should want. Do what you're told. Right? That's what it really means. Why would someone, be it an individual or an institution, not want you to pay attention to your mental or emotional health? If you don't brush your teeth, your teeth will rot out of your head. If you don't get antibiotics to treat an infection, you can die. If you don't tend to your emotional or mental health, the consequences can be just as dire. The physical body and the mind and spirit are all connected. They can't be separated. If you want to be healthy, you cannot just mind one aspect. You cannot just brush your teeth and expect to be completely healthy. You must tend the whole of you to be well. I think this idea that it is selfish or wrong to focus on yourself is completely toxic. The only reason an individual or an institution would want you to not tend to yourself is that they want you sick. They want you sick because it is easier to manipulate and control the sick. If all of us had focused more on ourselves, I don't think any of us would have ended up in toxic relationships. It is only when you are taught that you come last, that your needs are the least important, that you will tolerate the kind of bullshit that happens in toxic relationships. When you think focusing on yourself is selfish, you might not even consider what kind of relationship you actually want in the first place. You might not get to know yourself and you don't develop the kind of self love and self confidence that keeps safe from toxic relationships. I know this is true for me. I know if I had focused more on developing a healthy and loving relationship with myself, rather than trying to outsource it from other people, none of my worst experiences would have happened to me. I wouldn't have been in a relationship with that boyfriend who sexually assaulted me. Because he was despicable long before he ever did that. If I had loved myself, I wouldn't have been with him. I wouldn't have tolerated him. If I had loved myself, I wouldn't have tolerated all the red flags left by my abusive ex. But I didn't love myself. I didn't cultivate that until much later. Because those days, I was taught that same toxic message that I shouldn't focus on myself. Self discovery and honoring yourself and listening to your own inner knowing, none of those things are what I was supposedly supposed to do. I was supposed to do what the church leaders said I should do. I think that's significant, my friends, and it's telling. When you never focus on yourself, you can't develop a trust with yourself. When you don't develop a trust in yourself, you rely on other people to tell you what to do. Which is kind of the point, my friends. It's the ones who want to tell you what to do that are invested in keeping you unwell, that are invested in keeping you from tending to yourself. Those are the ones that are telling you not to focus on yourself. They tell you that focusing on yourself is selfish. They would have you believe that you can either be selfish or selfless. But this is a false dichotomy. It's not either or. Just because you focus on your own needs does not make you selfish. It does not make you a better person to diminish yourself. The world needs you who you uniquely are, your unique gifts and abilities. But if you never focus on yourself long enough to learn what those are or develop those, we all miss out on those. The world gets deprived of you and everything you have to offer. I think focusing on yourself actually lets you be the best version of you possible. And I think everyone benefits when we are the best version of ourselves. Focusing on ourselves doesn't mean NEVER considering others. I think you can focus on yourself and also be incredibly considerate of others. I also think being considerate is way better than being supposedly selfless. Because let's be real. No one wants to be friends with a martyr. I don't want someone to hurt themselves to supposedly help me. That doesn't feel good. It's toxic people who don't care if you have to hurt yourself to help them. A healthy person would never want that from you. There's a concept in Buddhism where to do no harm, you must include yourself. That if you do something good for someone that hurts yourself, it isn't actually a good thing. The harm that you cause yourself negates the good that you tried to do. To truly do good, it must harm none, including yourself. And I'm not saying that we never do self sacrificing things. There are situations where I will put someone else ahead of me, but those are short term, rare instances that are chosen deliberately. And I am able to do that because I do take care of my mental and emotional health. It lets me be actually available for things like that on occasion. But it isn't the norm, and it wouldn't be healthy for it to be. And so that's what I want to leave you to think about this week, my friends, does the belief that you shouldn't focus on yourself show up anywhere in your life? And is it really true? All right, my friends. Until next time, be well.