Validation

Outsourcing the validation of your experiences to other people can fuck you up. This episode talks about how to give yourself the validation you crave. 

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Transcript

0:25

Hey, my friends, when I was still in my abusive marriage, I started writing down everything that he was doing to me in the Notes app in my phone. I had to start writing it down because it was like my brain couldn't hold on to it. He was doing just the craziest shit. And it was like, so crazy that my own brain would go into denial, like, this cannot possibly be happening. This can't be real. Like when I would try to remember what happened later, it would feel almost dreamlike and like I would be like, did that really happen? That couldn't have happened. That's insane. It was almost like my own brain would gaslight me. So I started writing stuff down right as I experienced it, so I could look back later and be like, Oh my God, yes, that did happen. I didn't dream it. It was real. I needed that, because the things he'd say and do were just so wild that I couldn't even imagine trying to tell someone else, like I didn't think they'd believe me. Because it was just so fucking crazy. Like my own brain was in denial of what was happening, and I was living it so like it just felt like there was no way someone else was gonna believe this. It's true that if I told someone else, I have no control over whether they believe me or not. I told a few people when I was leaving, what had been going on, and I have no idea if they believe me or not. But the important thing here is to be able to hold strong in your own belief in yourself, that you know what happened. You know what you experienced. You know what happened was wrong. Because you might not get that from other people. You have to be able to rely on your own knowing and your own belief, instead of trying to get that from other people. Because it might be hard for other people to wrap their head around. I could barely wrap my head around what was happening and I was living it. And there's the matter of that these abusers, they don't present their crazy to everyone. They're very personable in public. So it can be hard for people to wrap their head around what you're saying when it conflicts so strongly with their own lived experience of the person you're talking about. It's a hard thing, and it is understandable. A few weeks ago, the Mormon church was going around my neighborhood giving out all these wooden signs that read, love one another, and on the back there was a QR code to scan to watch one of their promo videos or whatever. And I was just like, so disgusted, and like, I made a big show of like we need to throw this sign in the trash or burn it or something. We need to get rid of it. It's evil. It's a sign that says love one another. That seems so innocent, nice, even a great ideal to strive for. It's a nice message, because they don't lead with their crazy. They don't lead with their sinister shit. They would never hook anyone into their religion if they did. They know how to present nice, palatable, feel good messages to reel people in and that's how abusers work too. They're usually so charming and nice to other people. Other people just adore them. They think they're so great because they don't show their true colors to everyone. They certainly don't lead with it. So when you start telling people about this other side of them, it might be hard for them to believe. Because the contradiction between their own experience of this person and what you're saying is going to cause major cognitive dissonance. People liked Ted Bundy when they met him too. He was charming and personable. Lots of serial killers are. People can be fooled. And just because someone has been fooled doesn't negate your experience. You don't need people to agree with you to validate your experience. Validation is nice. It feels good when someone can validate you, but you also don't need it. You can have your own back and validate your own experience and realize that people can be fooled. And if someone has been fooled, that really isn't your problem. And I know this can be easier said than done. We want people to validate us. We want it so badly, but we have to learn to be okay without it. We have to learn to validate ourselves, to stand in the truth of our own experience, no matter what other people may say or think. And we do that the same way I did it with my own brain. I wrote it down so I could say, no, look, it did happen. I'm not crazy. This is real. That was me, validating myself, validating my own experiences. And so that is what I want to offer you this week my friends. Have your own back in your own knowing and know that you don't actually need other people to validate your experience. You have the ability to stand in your knowing and have your own back and to give yourself the validation. All right, my friends. Until next time be well.