Relationships with Narcissists

In this episode I address why you can't have a true relationship with a narcissist. I also give a technique I use when I have to deal with people with narcissistic tendencies and am not able to completely avoid them. 

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Transcript

0:15

Hey, my friends, today we're going to answer the question, can you have a relationship with a narcissist? We're going to talk about this question because I think a lot of the women who leave these abusive relationships second guess themselves. It's hard to let go of the idea that there is some kind of magic formula to change these people. But the short answer is, no, you cannot have a real relationship with a narcissist. And when I'm using the word narcissist here, I'm not referring to the actual clinical narcissistic personality disorder, although that certainly falls under this umbrella. I'm talking about people with narcissistic tendencies, which includes, but is not limited to persons with NPD. It is people who only ever think about themselves;people who have never considered another human's needs, who only cares about themselves. You cannot have a relationship with this person. A person like that doesn't do relationships. They do other people catering to their needs while they do nothing for you. They're never going to be considerate of you. They're never going to truly care about you. It's not a real relationship. People like that don't do real relationships. They can't because they can't or won't see past themselves, and that's not something you or anyone else can change or fix. You know in your heart of hearts that this is true. You've seen it. I've seen it. These people do manipulation, and you can't mistake their love bombing phase or the part where they do things for you as like actual care. It's always they do it when they're trying to get something from you, when they're trying to get you to do something or act a certain way. It's always about manipulation. It's not about actual care. My grandpa is this way. He has never considered the impact that he might have on other humans. He does what he wants when he wants, no matter how that affects other people, even when it literally put other people's lives in danger. He didn't care. He had some issues with his eyes, and he was like, practically blind, and his driver's license expired, and he couldn't get another one because he couldn't pass the vision test. But he drove anyway without a license, got in a ton of accidents, and somehow got away with it each time. He could have fucking killed someone, but that didn't matter to him. He was going to do whatever he wanted. The only person that matters to him is himself, and that's his only consideration ever. He likes to engage in what I call casual cruelty, meaning he doesn't have to be angry or drunk to be cruel. He engages in cruelty, just for the hell of it, for entertainment, just because. My grandma might have been married to him for decades, but they don't have a relationship. She is his servant, and she has been broken in unspeakable ways. It's not a relationship. It's not mutually supportive. There isn't even mutual respect. He doesn't respect her at all. He's cruel to her for sport. It's a farce of a relationship. And that's something you need to remember and remind your brain anytime it tells you that maybe you should have stayed and tried to work things out. You can't work things out with someone who only cares about themselves. And trying to be in a relationship with someone like that will break you. The best thing you can do is remove yourself from them and avoid them as much as possible. To even develop the kind of self awareness to realize the damage they do to others would require them to give a shit about someone outside of themselves, which is just not possible for these people. They are not worth your time or your energy. They are not even worth being upset by. And I know that's easier said than done, because they behave so atrociously, but they really aren't worth the energy or the brain space. My grandpa tries to be cruel to me. He has said some really awful things to me, and it does bother me sometimes, but I try my best to ignore him, to disregard him, to remember that he isn't worth it, that he isn't worth engaging with, that he isn't important. Sometimes I'm really successful at this, and sometimes I'm not. But it's something I always have to keep in mind when I'm around him, that nothing he says is worth paying attention to, that he doesn't matter. And the more I hold on to him being a waste of space, the easier it is to disregard the barbs he sends my way. It may seem mean to think of someone as a waste of space, but if you ever have to deal with someone with narcissistic tendencies, it can really help you to not take their antics personally. The more you can see them as unimportant, the less it will hurt you. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to protect yourself. I am a huge advocate for avoiding harmful people, like those with narcissistic tendencies. But sometimes 100% avoidance isn't possible, and you have to find ways to adapt and protect yourself from their cruelty. And sometimes that looks like reciting the mantra to yourself that everything they say is stupid, or imagining them with the nose of a pig, or whatever you got to do to not take them seriously enough to be bothered or hurt by what they say and do. Because they are not going to change. They are always going to be self centered and cruel, and if you have to be around them, you have to find a way to not let them harm your mental health. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you this week. Protect yourselves. Protect your mental health. Do whatever you need to, to take care of yourselves. Until next time. Be well.