Learning to Trust

Trust can be a complicated thing for survivors of abuse. In this episode, I describe how I personally have navigated this issue and how I've found it possible to trust people, including a romantic partner.

Link to rat study: https://news.uchicago.edu/story/helping-your-fellow-rat-rodents-show-empathy-driven-behavior

Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com

Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session


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Transcript

0:14

Hey, my friends, I am just getting over a cold, so hopefully I don't sound too bad.There was a study with rats done in 2011 where a rat was put into an enclosure where there was another rat that was trapped in a contraption inside of the enclosure. And the free rat would go and it would figure out how to free the trapped rat. And they even put like a pile of chocolate chips on one side of the enclosure and the trapped rat on the other. And the rats would consistently go and free that trapped rat before eating any of the chocolate chips. And the researchers were surprised, like the free rat could have hoarded all of the resources, but instead, it worked on figuring out how to free the trapped rat first. And it proved that rats were possessing of empathy. This is where I think whoever decided that people were better than all the other animals is so full of shit like other animals are also capable of empathy and problem solving, and they don't hurt each other the same way that humans do. Humans are like the only animals that kill each other and hurt each other for sport or entertainment. Other animals fight over resources, but humans will hurt each other just for the hell of it. Like to me, that makes our species on the bottom like people kind of suck. And if you've come to this podcast, it's probably because you've had firsthand intimate experience of this suckage. Like all of us came from toxic relationships where we were hurt just for the hell of it. And when you come out of an experience like that, it can be really hard not to let it color your expectation of all people. So that's what I want to talk

about today: 2:47

how to hold the reality that, yes, some people are predatory pieces of shit, and how to not let that stop you from trusting people. I really think people fall in one of three categories. If a person were to see another human in distress, there is one category of person that will go and assist them, even if that person is a stranger. There's another category that will walk on by and just ignore it and tell themselves that it is not their business. And then there's another category that will see an opportunity for taking advantage or hurting the distressed human. I think the key to being able to trust other people really resides in your trust in your own ability to judge who is worth trusting. And that is something abuse survivors come to me and say that they are afraid of trusting themselves because they got fooled once before. And that may be the case, but you also learned something. You gained knowledge. You've now seen some shit. The brain is really excellent at pattern recognition. Now that you have seen behaviors that indicate a predator, it will actually be easier for you to spot it, because your brain will be readily able to recognize it. Your experience can actually help you to discern better. My therapist says that trust is a gift only given once, and after that it is earned. And maybe that's all good and fine for people who haven't been abused, but in my personal opinion, trust is always earned. Like for me personally, that is the only way. So I watch people. I evaluate them. I look at what they say, and I compare it to how they act, and I see do the words and the actions align? I look at how honest they are. Do they lie about stupid shit? How do they act when they are contradicted by someone? I'm always evaluating people's behavior and deciding who could maybe be someone trustworthy. And I start slow. I trust them with a small thing, and then evaluate how that goes. And then I keep building on that until they are just someone that I trust. Trusting everyone is never going to be an option, and honestly, it shouldn't be an option, right? We know better than that. Pretending that there aren't predatory people out there is just dumb. But we can develop the trust in our own discernment and judgment. And when you're trying out trusting someone, and you decide to extend a little bit of trust, and then it does go south, that's just information. That means it turns out that they aren't trustworthy. It means they didn't pass a test, not that your judgment is faulty, because no one can 100% know someone like right away. It takes time to dive deeper into how someone is. And while you are doing that, you are testing the trustworthiness of the individual. I don't know if this is the best way, but this is the way that I found works for me. It's how I have certain people in my life that I trust despite all of my baggage. It's how I can trust my current romantic partner. And so maybe this way will also work for you. The one caveat I would add is that you can't second guess or talk yourself out of your judgment. You have to decide up front that when someone doesn't pass a sniff test, that you are going to accept that at face value and not talk yourself out of it. That's just a decision that you have to make. That's all it is like, decide up front that when someone gives you the heebie jeebies, that it's just a no. Period. And then go with that. I think it is better to accidentally judge someone wrongly than to get hurt by second guessing yourself. Go with what you observe and feel and let that be enough. And I'll put a link to the rat study in the show notes, in case you want to check it out. All right, my friends. Until next time, be well.