Relationship Fears

In this episode I talk about the relationship fears I experience after being in a toxic relationship as well as how I manage it. 

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Transcript

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Hey, my friends, I've been sort of binging this show on Hulu called Wild crime. I didn't think I liked true crime, but I'm really digging this one. The shit is absolutely crazy. On one of the episodes this woman, who was a long time friend of this one serial killer, was like crying on camera and saying, how could I have not seen through this person? I think if you are a listener to this podcast, you have probably asked yourself some version of that question. I know I certainly have. How did I end up with someone like this? Where did I go wrong? How did my life end up like this? How did I miss this? It's normal to wonder these things when you've been in a toxic relationship. The answer for us is the same as the answer for that woman who is friends with The serial killer. It's because you can't predict crazy. When someone's behavior falls so far outside the norm, it's not something you can anticipate. Lies, deception, manipulation, violence, these are behaviors that are outside of the norm. When we live in a civilized society, there is an unspoken agreement that we do not do those things. It's especially abnormal in a romantic partnership, like that's not how you treat a partner. I think that is something that we really have to make sure that we understand. It is not normal to lie to or manipulate a romantic partner. It would be abnormal to expect that. That's why we don't expect it. Because to expect it would be abnormal itself. It is outside of normal behavior. You can't anticipate behavior that falls outside the norm. It falls into crazy territory, and you can't fathom crazy. It's also why you'll never be able to understand why. Because you can't logic your way through crazy. A lot of these narcissistic types are masters of deception. Their whole personality is just a giant deception. You never even know who they really are. They only ever show a projection to the outside world. It's not your fault if you accepted the projection at face value. That's how social behavior works. But these toxic types are exhibiting anti social behavior. There was one episode of the show where you hear this serial killer, like bragging that no one really knows the real them. No one has ever had any idea who they really are, because they have this whole fake persona. Other than that, being a really sad thing to proud of and brag about, that is the truth of a lot of these types. That isn't normal social behavior. Normal social behavior is letting people know who you are and getting to know people and forming connections and relationships. That's how it's supposed to work. We have to let go of this tendency to blame ourselves for not being able to anticipate crazy behavior. It wasn't on you. You were operating as a normal person and expecting another person to operate as a normal person. It's not wrong of you to do that. it's not wrong of you to expect that. The reaction shouldn't be, How did I not see this? It needs to be Wow they were really deceptive. The shame shouldn't be on us. It should be on them. It is not your shame. It is not a failing on your part. It is a failing on their part to be able to engage in normal social behavior. They are the ones who did wrong, not you. We have to give it back to them. The shame isn't yours to carry. It's theirs. Once you've had an experience with one of these toxic types, it can be hard to want to engage in normal social behavior again. We don't want to trust people. We want to be hyper vigilant for these toxic types, which makes total sense. If you've been hurt by someone, you don't want it to happen again. I think it is important to not lose our own ability to be able to engage in normal social behavior on account of these people. They took a lot from us, but we should strive to not let them take that too. That's hard to do. It takes very deliberately choosing not to engage in paranoid behavior. That's really hard, because I feel paranoid a lot when it comes to being around people. I have to choose not to act on that. I have to recognize that it is just echoes of a past experience, and I can trust my own judgment and evaluate people. I have to realize that not everyone is going to be like how my ex was. So I have to not act like everyone is going to be. And it is scary. But the alternative is a very lonely existence, and we don't deserve that. We deserve to be able to interact normally with normal people. And the good news is that most people do behave normally. We can find those people and interact with those people who are safe. We talked about learning to trust ourselves and our judgment again in Episode 128, Learning to Trust. I think that episode is worth a revisit, because we deserve to trust ourselves, and we deserve finding people we can trust. We deserve healthy relationships, which hinge on the ability to form trust. And we can have that even if it feels scary after a toxic relationship. We can still have that. My therapist has said to me on more than one occasion how impressed she is by my ability to have a healthy relationship after everything I've been through. But it wasn't an accident. I have very deliberately worked to not let the fear and the trauma be the guiding force of my life. And I know that that is possible for you too. I know it is possible to choose a different path than the one trauma wants to push us down. As much as I feel out of control sometimes with the way I feel and the emotional reactions I have, I still have control of my choices. I might not have control over whether I feel triggered over something or not, I still have control over what I do. I am still in control of my life. You are too. All right, my friends, until next time be well.