The Art of Apologizing

This episode goes into the 2 different types of apologies and which situations are appropriate for each. 

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Transcript

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Hi, my friends. Today we're going to talk about apologizing, because it seems to be a skill that is in short supply in our society. So today we're going to talk about how to do it and when to do it. I really think that there are two different types of apologies. There is the Apology of accountability for your own wrongdoing, and then trying to make amends for that. And then there is the Apology of acknowledgement. And most people are very familiar with the idea of saying you're sorry when you've done something wrong. There is an emotional maturity to being able to acknowledge when you behaved like an asshole, because we all behave like assholes sometimes. When you behave like an asshole towards someone, I think it is important to take accountability for that. To say, I'm sorry that really wasn't cool of me. I shouldn't have done that or said that thing. The problem that I do see come up with this type of apology is that a lot of people want to explain themselves. They want to explain why they did what they did. And that can be okay, as long as it doesn't overshadow the accountability piece. I actually think that a more powerful apology is one that doesn't try to explain anything. Because explaining yourself can come off as making excuses, especially if it is done in a way that overshadows the accountability piece. So if you do feel compelled to explain yourself, I would preface it with something like, it's not an excuse for what I did. If you said I'm really sorry, I wasn't in a good head space when I said that, but that's not an excuse for what I said, and I'm really sorry about that. I think that apology is fine, but I do think it is more powerful to just say I'm really sorry I shouldn't have said that. It leaves no room for the other person to feel like you're trying to justify or excuse your behavior. Because when someone tries to justify or excuse their behavior, it sounds like on the receiving end is telling someone, oh no, this is why you shouldn't be upset. It can sound like minimizing the impact. I think people tend to want to explain themselves because they can't tolerate the uncomfortable feeling that comes up when you And that sounds like a kind motivation, but the reality of need to apologize to someone. It comes from a desire to manage the other person's perspective. It's kind of selfish in that way. It's the inability to hold the moment of discomfort with that other person, to share in the discomfort of the other person. It's trying to make it go away. it does not come across as kind. Because the other person might be hurt by what you did and trying to make that go away, can feel callous on the receiving end. It feels kinder on the receiving end to have someone hold the space for your pain and just be in that moment with you. It's not putting your own discomfort above the other person's discomfort. I think that is part of what makes an apology really effective. When someone is willing to be in that discomfort, I think it shows that they value you and how you feel matters to them. Another type of apology isn't really an apology in the sense that it is sometimes appropriate to say you are sorry even when you haven't done anything wrong. Just stick with me for a moment, because I know that's where I lose a lot of people. Sometimes you apologize for your impact and not your actions. I was in a training once for better allyship and how to be a better ally towards marginalized groups. Someone asked the woman leading the training, what do you do when someone says that they are hurt by your efforts to be an ally to a different group of people? And she said, I just say I'm sorry. The person kind of followed up like, even though you aren't doing anything wrong, like you're doing the right thing, trying to be there for a marginalized group, are you still gonna say I'm sorry? And she said, Yes, because there is pain there. I might not have done anything wrong, but there is still pain there. So I just say I'm sorry. That I'm sorry, isn't what we think of as a traditional apology. It isn't acknowledging that you've done anything wrong. All it is doing is acknowledging someone's I think we understand this concept in terms of like when pain. someone is going through a hard time. If you hear someone just lost a pet or got diagnosed with a serious illness, we say things like, I'm so sorry. It isn't apologizing in the traditional sense, like, you didn't kill their pet or make them ill. We still say We are sorry, because that is how we acknowledge someone's pain. The origin of that pain doesn't matter. We say we are sorry, even though it really has nothing to do with us. It is an acknowledgement of pain. It helps people feel seen. Feeling seen is something humans crave, and when we acknowledge someone's pain this way, we give them that. It is a kindness. This is something I've seen people struggle with, though, especially with male identified people. There are a lot of people that think they shouldn't say sorry when they haven't done anything wrong. On one level, they are absolutely right. You shouldn't give a traditional apology when you haven't done anything wrong in the sense that you would not take accountability for anything. You can and should still say sorry, just to acknowledge the impact, just because that is kind. And this is hard for a lot of people to do, because they get hung up on the I haven't done anything wrong part. It really isn't about that though. If you accidentally step on someone's foot, it's not like you have technically done anything wrong. It was an accident. It's not the same thing as deliberately stepping on someone's foot. But we still say sorry, because it is the kind thing to do. if you are backing up and you accidentally bump into someone. It isn't like you've done something wrong. You didn't see someone and you unexpectedly touched them. We still say sorry, just to acknowledge that. You don't say, oh my god, I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong of me. We just say, I'm sorry. I think about one time I told my mom that I don't want kids. She said, It hurts me to hear you say that. I haven't done anything wrong. It is my life, and it is my right choose whether to have kids or not. It really doesn't have anything to do with her. I don't owe her a traditional apology, because I haven't done anything wrong. There's still impact there. There's still pain. And it is kind to say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Full stop. It acknowledges pain. It acknowledges that very real pain that shemight have to adjust her expectations of having grandchildren like that might be something she looked forward to, and now has to hear that it's not going to happen. So her pain, it is kind to acknowledge that. It lets her feel seen. This is an appropriate use of the I'm sorry you are hurting, or I'm sorry that you feel that way, apology. A lot of people hate the I'm sorry you feel that way, apology. The reason they hate it is that they are expecting a taking of accountability kind of apology, and instead, are getting an acknowledgement of pain, kind of apology. And so they get angry about that. It's not an inherently bad apology. It's just not the same as a taking accountability apology. What it tells you is that the other person doesn't think they have done anything wrong, but they are sorry that you are negatively impacted. Whether that is appropriate to the situation is something you have to decide when you receive it. This is what I want to leave you with, my friends, two different kinds of apologies, two different uses. Both are required for kindness and just being a good human in the world. Alright my friends until next time, be well.