Toxic Men in Power

In this episode, we're talking toxic bosses and toxic political figures and how to handle them so you don't lose your mind.

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Transcript

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Hey my friends, let's talk about when toxic men are in positions of power. That scenario, unfortunately seems to happen a lot. When you've come out of a toxic relationship, it can be especially triggering. I think I've talked about it here before, but I can't remember for sure, but a few years ago, I worked for a very abusive man. It was a small startup type company, so there were only seven of us in total. The CEO was an incredibly toxic man. There were clues of that, even the initial job interview that I had, but I kind of just thought it was normal, and went ahead and worked there. And it was fine for a minute. But then one day, the CEO, he was leaving early, and he asked me to text him when I sent out this particular report. So I emailed out the report, and I remembered that he had asked me to text him. I was hesitant to text him though. The reason I was hesitant is that in my previous job, I had a senior level manager send me inappropriate sexual harassment texts, and so at that time, I vowed to myself that I would never let another upper level manager type person have my personal cell phone. So if I texted the CEO, then he would have my personal cell phone number, and I didn't want him to have it just because I had made that agreement with myself. So I rationalized to myself that he got email on his phone, so he probably saw the email come in, and it's fine. I didn't need to text it to him. But the next day, when I came into work, he was pissed. He sent me an email with everyone in the company copied, saying that he had asked me to text him when the report came out, and I didn't and what is the disconnect? I panicked. I honestly didn't expect it to be this big of a deal, so I was just honest with him, and I said, Sorry I didn't feel comfortable texting you on my personal cell phone. He didn't reply to that, but the rest of the day, he kept asking me to do stuff for him, like really pointless things, things that when my direct boss saw me doing them for him, he was like, what are you doing and telling me, like, not to do it, that it was stupid. But what my boss didn't understand is that I had to do it. Because the CEO wasn't sending me these things to do because he needed them done. He was doing it because he needed me to obey him. Because I disobeyed him once and now he needed me to obey Him. Like coming from a toxic relationship, I could easily recognize this wasn't about the thing he was asking me to do. It was about the obedience. So I did all of the pointless stuff he asked me to do, and I thought maybe that would be penance enough for him. Later in the day, my boss called me in to his office, and he said that the CEO had gotten really upset about my response to why I didn't text him. He started asking me questions, like, had this CEO ever done anything that made me feel uncomfortable. And I said no, I just preferred that my phone number not be had by him. Because I didn't really want to tell my boss about the sexual harassment at my last job. I just I didn't feel comfortable talking about it with him. And my boss proceeded to say that one of the benefits at the company was that they subsidized, our cell phone bills. And so because I didn't want the CEO to have my phone number, I would no longer be eligible for that benefit. So I could either let the CEO have my cell phone number and keep the benefit or I could not let him have it and lose the benefit. Andat that time, it seemed like I should just let him have it, like it seemed like maybe all of this would just blow over faster if he just had the phone number. So I let him have it. I gave in. But that wasn't enough. And HR called me a few days later to talk about the incident. And that was really scary for me, like it all felt like I was in so much trouble, and I was actually shaking and crying during that call. And the office we were in was so small that I actually overheard HR call him after they had interviewed me about what happened. Because this idiot took his calls on speaker phone at full volume in a tiny office. HR was telling him that didn't really see a problem, and they considered this incident resolved, and I could hear that he wasn't happy with that. He wanted me gone. And that was the beginning of it all, the beginning of his abuse. Because it never blew over. He would bring up the episode periodically, just to let me know that he hadn't forgotten about it and was still mad about it. He abused my cell phone number, like I was afraid of in the first place. He would text me and ask me to do work stuff ASAP on holidays. Like, everyone was off for Memorial Day, and he texted me that day and told me to do something. Honestly, it wasn't important, like it could have waited. He made it clear that if I didn't do it that day right then, I was fired. The workplace ,for me, started having that walking on eggshells, feeling, the very same one I was really accustomed to from my marriage. He took me off all the team meetings so everyone else would go and I would be left all by myself in the office. So these things just kept continuing on every every chance he had to do something to me. It culminated in them secretly interviewing for my position, which I inadvertently discovered when it was on my boss's calendar. And then them laying me off and giving me a severance package with the condition that I don't talk about the company. So I took their hush money, and didn't talk about it. I feel safe talking about it now, because no identifying information has been given. Toxic bosses, it turns out, is a pretty common experience for a lot of people. It can feel extra scary because it is your job that is your source of money, so it feels like your very survival depends on this person, and that can be incredibly traumatic. To feel like your survival and maybe your family's survival depends on the whims of an abusive person, can be absolutely traumatic. And the thing I would have told younger me that was going through this, what I would tell anyone working for someone toxic, is that it is best leave. Since it is a job, I don't really recommend making sudden or grand gesture exits, but just start to apply for different jobs. Start to interview at places. Start stocking a little extra savings away. Start getting ready to make an exit. If there is a toxic person in a position of authority, you need to get out from under them. Don't linger longer than you have to because it will cost you your mental health. To this day, and it has been years, that toxic job environment still affects me. I stayed in it way longer than I should have, because we were in the middle of a pandemic, and I was afraid that I wouldn't find another job. I should have just started looking. I ended up having to do that anyway, because I saw that they were sneakily interviewing for my position. I should have started looking way sooner than that. I should have started looking as soon as it became obvious that it wasn't going to get better. The less time you linger in those environments, the better. Anytime you're in an environment where there is a toxic person in control and you can leave, you need to leave. If it's a boss, you can leave. You can find another job, even if it pays less. In my opinion, it is still better take that than to be under a toxic boss. If it is a church leader, find another church. If it is a doctor, find another doctor. We all know from being in toxic or abusive relationships that these relationships break you down. They destroy your self esteem. They traumatize the hell out of you. And it isn't different if that abusive relationship is with a boss or pastor or anyone else in a position of power. For the sake of your mental health, as soon as you realize it's toxic, get out as fast as you can. I want to talk about what to do if you can't get out. And this doesn't really apply to jobs. A lot of people feel stuck in jobs, but I promise you aren't really stuck. There's always options. You might not like all of the options. They might not be ideal. But there are always options. What I'm really referring to is what several people have expressed to me about feeling triggered by a certain Orange Man in a position of authority right now. Where it isn't as easy to just leave a country. It can be done, but it is a lot more complicated. So what do you do when the person in charge of your country is giving you flashbacks of your abusive relationships? The suggestion I would make is to avoid news, and especially avoid,at all costs, watching the person who triggers you speaking. Do not watch any coverage of him period. If he triggers you, do not watch him. Read about it instead. Do not watch any clips of him. Myself I haven't watched the news in years. I have the news app removed from my phone because for me, my mental health just does better that way. And I know a lot of people feel like they need to consume the news because they need to be informed, but I have to tell you that if it is triggering you, if you are entering a nervous system response because of it, it is doing a fuck all for you. Being informed does you no good if it sends you into a free state. A lot of the news sources are so sensationalized that they honestly resemble reality TV more than they do news. Years ago, you didn't know the personal sway and opinions of your news anchor, but you do now. You aren't getting the news. You're getting someone's opinion, and it's being sensationalized to increase ratings. So if you do feel like you need to be informed, I would highly recommend finding a new source that is more boring. Find somewhere they just state facts. Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for places like that, because I've just sworn off the whole thing. Somehow, I still know things because people talk, but I also can't really have an educated conversation on it. I don't really need to. I'm not in charge of public policy. The most I can do is call my representatives, which I actually do every day. I use the 5calls.org site as they list the issues that are currently up for review, and give you the links to the actual proposed bills and stuff. So you can just read the Bill instead of what someone tells you about them. So I actually just use that, but you have to take care of you. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing stuff or staying informed if you're nervous system isn't ready. If you have to set boundaries around the conversations you are willing to have with people right now, then do that. You are doing your part by getting your nervous system where it needs to be. Once your nervous system is in a more regulated place, then you can think about adding in some trusted sources of non sensationalized news or adding in action steps you might want to take. You can ask other people for suggestions of non partisan news sources only after your nervous system is ready. You have time. We have four years to go. I promise you, you have time. It's okay to look after your nervous system right now. I promise you also, if there actually was something really important that you must know right now, someone will tell you. Pay attention to your body. Your body will tell you what it is ready for right now and what it can handle. I encourage you to honor that. I think it is actually a radical act to regulate your nervous system, as abusers thrive on making you dysregulated. And whatever the future does hold, you will be in a better place to handle it if you have taken care of yourself. Alright, my friends, that's what I have for you this week. If there is something else you want to ask me about or have me talk about, you can send me an email to Gerdung melinda@gmail.com Alright my friends, until next time. Be well.