Wanting to be Liked

In this episode, I make an embarrassing confession that hopefully helps others avoid the path towards destructive relationships. 

I wanted to put a link to the video referenced in this episode, but I couldn't find it again :(

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Transcript

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Hey my friends, I saw this video on social media this week. It was this woman kind of like sneakily recording her conversation she's having with her date on the car ride home from their date. It's a first date, and he is saying to her that he didn't like how when they were at the restaurant and there was a little kid there who had a birthday and was being sung to. He didn't like that she joined in the singing for this little girl. He said it was loud and obnoxious, and it was just like her asking for attention, and she should have only paid attention to him. He's telling their her this and saying things like, I'm just sharing my feelings with you so that going forward, this is something you can fix, and we can move this relationship forward. She's like, No, this is not something I'm going to fix. Like, this is a first date. That just means that this isn't going to work. It means that there isn't going to be a second date. And he just keeps like, doubling down on like, No, he wants this to go forward. He just needs her to fix her behavior. As I watched that video, I realized something. I realized that, as I watch that now, that seems like crazy behavior on his part, like completely delusional that he has any right to ask a woman he has only been on a first date with to change anything about herself. But I also realized that that is not always how I thought. I have a feeling that there was a time in my life where, if I had been in the position of that woman, I would have listened to what he had to say and took it to heart. Yeah, I think I would have fixed what he said needed fixing so the relationship could move forward, even though a first date hardly constitutes a relationship. I really do think that there was a time in my life that I would have just accepted that. The reason I think that is,because I know from all the introspection that I've done coming out of my abusive marriage, that when it had came to dating, I was always very focused on being liked. I wanted them to like me. I wanted them to pick me. I wanted to be chosen. But I can't ever remember like trying to figure out if I liked them. I don't even think I considered that. I think I was just so consumed with being liked and trying to get them to like me, that if I liked them or not, if they were someone I would like to be with, didn't even enter my headspace. I have plenty of memories of being consumed with the angst of whether they were into me or not. I really don't think I evaluated the men much. It really seems crazy to me now. So of course, I have to wonder why that is, like why wasn't I as concerned, if not more, if I liked them or not? And I think a lot of it came down to the messaging I received growing up. Growing up in the Mormon cult, a woman's only purpose is to get married and have children. That was, like, one of my main focuses of importance. There was literally a Mormon leader who said that people over the age of 25 who were unmarried were menaces to society. That is the type of thing I grew up being told. So I think there was almost like a sense of panic there, like I must find no man who was willing to marry me so I can have a purpose and not be a menace to society. I didn't have time to consider if I liked them. I just needed them to like me so I wouldn't be deemed worthless. I do wonder how much of that is in society at large, like, for those who haven't been raised in an ultra conservative religion, is there still some of the same influences. I definitely see a little bit of that influence in society at large. Like, there's definitely a pressure on women to have children. There is messaging that exists of stupid shit, women having expiration dates. Just, you know, complete bullshit. But I wonder how much that affects women dating and their considerations when dating. If a woman wants to have children, I wonder if she ends up, settling into the same kind of thinking that I did. Like, I need someone to like me enough to put a ring on it and not consider enough if she likes them. I don't know. I'm just wondering if this same thinking that I had affects other people also. Because that's how I ended up in an abusive marriage. I Ignored red flags because I was too focused on being chosen to stop and consider that, hey, this really sucks, and maybe I don't want to be with someone who is like this. Because he would criticize my clothing even while we were dating. That was one of the first things, one of the first red flags. And instead of being like, Oh, I don't want to be with someone who criticizes what I'm wearing, I'm like, Oh, I better fix this and dress differently. The woman who ends up being with the man in the video will be just like that. That has all the red flags of controlling, abusive behavior, and it won't be the woman who thinks about what she wants and likes that ends up with him. It will be the one that wants to please him more than she wants to please herself. So I just wanted to share that with you, my friends, as something to think about in case you decide to start dating again. Even if you don't, it can be an interesting point of introspection. I talked on here before, how I think it is really valuable to think back and really understand how you went into your toxic or abusive relationship. What were the red flags that you explained away and why? These are the things that can point to where healing and adjustments in ourselves are needed. So that in the future, we can be more protected. Not that it was our fault what happened. Other people's behavior is never our fault. But I do think that there is value in understanding your own piece, because your own piece is the piece that you can control. If I know that, when it comes to dating, I need to place more consideration of if I like them rather than if they like me, then that is good information for me to have. That is information that helps keep me safe from another abusiverelationship. So that's what I want to leave you with to think about this week. Alright, my friends, Till next time, be well.